Tag Archives for Ridiculous

U.S. Postal Worker Appears On Game Show, Gets Busted For Fraud

Cathy Cashwell was a United States Postal Worker! Yeah! Neither rain, sleet, snow or hail would prevent her from… what’s that? Disability? Oh.

Cashwell filed worker’s compensation paperwork in 2011 claiming she couldn’t lift mail trays into a truck due to a shoulder injury she received in 2004 while on the job. She said she “couldn’t stand, sit, kneel, squat, climb, bend, reach or grasp.” She wrote that right on the disability claim form.

Unfortunately for her, she popped over to the Price Is Right studios one day, and they called her down. She got the winning bid, and during the half segment they have to determine who’s going to the Showcase Showdown…

She spun the big wheel. Twice. On television.

Someone saw that and ratted her out. And then someone else saw her zip-lining on vacation with her husband in 2010 and lifting and carrying bags of groceries with both arms in 2011.

Well now she’s been convicted of fraud, and set to be sentenced in September. She is one dumb woman. She’s not the only person committing fraud, by any stretch. Not at all. But she IS the only one appearing on a fucking game show.

Nice.

Edward Hotspur

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Cynically Boosting Traffic The Shameless Porn Sex Lottery Lesbian Nigerian Bieber PSY Way

I got the idea for this particular post from Abominations.

For real shameless traffic boosts, you’ve got to mention porn, sex, lesbians, cougars, MILFs, celebrities, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Super Bowl, Obama, lottery, Nigerian prince, spam, scam, Kardashian, Michael Jackson, Kiss, the Beatles, Harry Potter, Edward Cullen, Twilight, Bella, Salma Hayek, Mad Men, The Office, Chocolate Rain, shopping, jewelry, presents, toys, I know, right?, nudist, nudity, Lena from Infected Rain, poop, pee, David Blaine, iPhone, iPad, iTunes, Amazon, WalMart, unicorn pissing rainbow, kitchen sex, cherry blossom, tattoo, vajazzle, bacon and Christmas. PSY! Iron Man!

And then have someone else make a post with the same terms that links back to your post. What terms, you ask? Porn, sex, lesbians, cougars, MILFs, celebrities, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Super Bowl, Obama, lottery, Nigerian prince, spam, scam, Kardashian, Michael Jackson, Kiss, the Beatles, Harry Potter, Edward Cullen, Twilight, Bella, Salma Hayek, Mad Men, The Office, Chocolate Rain, shopping, jewelry, presents, toys, I know, right?, nudist, nudity, Lena from Infected Rain, poop, pee, David Blaine, iPhone, iPad, iTunes, Amazon, WalMart, unicorn pissing rainbow, kitchen sex, cherry blossom, tattoo, vajazzle, bacon and Christmas. Not necessarily in that order. Dumbledore!

Edward Hotspur

Oh, and put a picture of Lena from Infected Rain in your post.

Fun With Pics – Work And Home

At my current office, there isn’t really a break room. There’s just the end of a hallway between some cubes and a conference room. There used to be two refrigerators and a microwave, but one of the refrigerators bit the dust. Someone somehow got a new, or “new” fridge, but so far we can’t use it. And these were stuck on the fridge to warn people. In this order.

So someone gave the warning, and MC Hammer gave his warning. And then, this:

And this one is in the restroom:

This is one I drew myself. I’m pretty proud of it.

And this might be what you feel if you like a certain hobby, but you don’t feel very strong or even manly about it:

Of course, you probably have this in your kitchen – not the sign, but what it represents:

If you get tired of everyone bugging you in the kitchen, this might be your response.

Edward Hotspur

Didn’t I Just Do This? – A Daily Prompt Post

insult_quote-13123Daily Prompt today cracked me up. No, that’s not true. I cracked up me already. Because today it told me to do something that I had just gotten finished with done doing.

Set a timer for ten minutes. Open a new post. Start the timer, and start writing. When the timer goes off, publish.

I just did that with just having just posted the post I just wrote called Just Whatever. It was just a few minutes ago. Oh, I guess I’ll hit the timer. That timer is a douche anyway – it has a punch in the face coming to it. Okay, ready? This is what ten minutes of free writing looks like when I’m all sick and stuff.

START

So there I was, thinking of what to write, when all of a sudden a thought knocked on the door. It’s 9:20am EST right now! So I answered the door, and it was actually two thoughts dressed in ties, with magazines. I wasn’t really interested in those thoughts, so I killed them and hid the bodies in my shower. And then, I found them! That was the fucking easiest game of Hide and Seek ever! But fortunately they were zombies, for legal reasons, so I didn’t actually kill them nor do I advocate killing anyone ever, unless they really deserve it. So instead of living like they were dying, they lived like they were dead. I asked them why they were knocking on doors with magazines, and they said ‘We don’t know, perhaps our overlord has ordered us to.” And I asked who their overlords were, and they said “Hey, before we answer that, why did you use a single mark quote to open the last thing we said, but a double mark quote to close it?” And I said “Want some pizza?” And they said they did.  So I ordered some Zombinos, and they were there in 30 minutes or less, but somehow I said that in past tense even though it’s only 9:24 right now.

All of a sudden, suddenly, at once, just then, immediately, unexpectedly.  Whoa, I’m halfway there. When Jon Bon Jovi committed crimes as a kid, did he go to Bon Juvie? He probably didn’t. He’s a little runaway. I’m on a roll! I dropped a roll on the kitchen floor, and then stepped on it. I’ll probably have to throw that away. This is going nowhere. I’ve reached a cul de sacre bleu moon riverdance. It’s time for a poem:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who was tired of people making stupid limericks about his island

I took my wife to one of those places where they make the food right in front of you. So elegant. Have you heard of ‘Subway’? Yeah, I know. You’re jealous. No, seriously, it was a long time ago, in a different city. But I did. They did little tricks, and threw food into people’s mouths, and other tricks like not catching me on fire, and not slicing themselves open. That takes talent. Unlike this post, which just took a keyboard, and account, and an internet connection. And that’s time, ladies and gentlemen! 9:30am. 10 minutes of pure gold-plated imitation lead writing! Enjoy it so very much that you come back for more.

FINISH

Edward Hotspur

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Things That Have Never Been Said Before

LG monitorThings That Have Never Been Said Before

Recently, I have caught myself and other people saying things that have probably never been said in the history of the world. Things like “Rush Limbaugh is a fair-minded individual” and “Nickelback is an incredible band.”

I had to go lie down after that sentence. I really did. Even though I was joking, it was very painful and traumatic to type those things. And I’m at work, so I got stares, but I don’t cares, because they’re theres somewheres laid bares. But this post is not about bear pornography! No, not at all much! It’s about things that have never been said before. Go look at the title! I’ll wait, because still lying down anyway. And it’s hard to write this upside down, because my pen keeps running out of ink. The odd thing about that is I’m typing this, so there’s something seriously wrong with my pen. I am also grateful for LCD monitors – when I used to do this with the old CRT monitors, it got heavy after a while. CRT stands for Cathode Ray Tube, of course. LCD stands for Lick Carrots and Die, and it’s no wonder they went with an abbrev. for that lengthy, awkward and potentially-offensive-to-vegetarians phrase. Anyway, the most confusing thing about this is:

Why has no monitor company ever named itself “Hall”? Right? Talk about instant catch phrase brand recognitionality and stuff!

So, on with the rest of this post! We got it in our heads to decorate the boys’ room with a nautical theme. We did the paint, and the bookshelf, and the furniture, but when it came to decorations, we ran into a little snag: There are three ways to be “nautical”. I know what you’re thinking. “Hotspur, I can think of dozens of ways to be all nautical in the bedroom.” You’re right! But also, yuck, because I’m talking about the room of my sons, or as they say in French, “les plumes de mes tantes.”

Anyway, the three ways are 1) Ship/boat/lighthouse based; 2) Beach/wave/surf/ocean based, and 3) Underwater creatures based. We had gone with ship-based for a bit, but then I got an idea. I got this old hammock and strung it up across the ceiling, and the plan was to put stuffed sea animals up there! Great! Except they don’t exactly make a crapload of stuffed sea animals, it turns out. I guess urchins and starfish aren’t that cuddly, or something. So we got some turtles, dolphins and whales, and that’s about it – until my wife found this string of lights that were all shaped like lobsters! Awesome! Now it is not only nautical, but it’s a nightlight too! It’s a nautlight! And it worked for a while, until one of the lights burned out, just like they do on Christmas lights, except ONLY THE FUCKING LIGHT THAT WAS BURNED OUT DIDN’T WORK! (ARE YOU listening, Christmas light makers? Would that be so hard to do? You dicks!) Prompting me to make the following statement never before said by any human at any time in Earth’s history:

Oh no – one of the lobsters is burnt out!

Rock Lobster! Burned! Out!

The second thing is not safe for work, so don’t do it there, unless you’re Jack Hanna, I guess. I had watched this really long series, because it’s really interesting 75% of the time, and relaxing 100% of the time. It’s on Netflix, and it’s called How It’s Made. On it, they go into various factories and craft shops and film all kinds of things being made, from saddles to forklifts to guitars to doughnuts to…ahhhh… bacon. (Why yes, I HAVE watched that episode more than the others. Why do you ask?) One of the segments, though, was unfortunately fish farms. I’ll just cut to it – in one scene, they took a female fish, a salmon I think, and squeezed all the eggs out of her into a tank, and then took a male fish, most likely also a salmon if I understand biology right, and I think I do because I have several children, and… squeezed all the… they just sort of… and it went into the tank… and there may have been stirring involved… I really didn’t….

So there was that. But my wife and youngest son were watching some other show about wildlife, and this particular part was about crocodiles. They had caught some, not for food or luggage or wrestling, but more of a scientific thing, I think. I was in the next room on the computer, but I could see the show. My wife suddenly called for me to watch, and I saw… something that cannot be unseen. One of the guys, ostensibly a biologist or zoologist (I hope!), was measuring various things on the crocodile, and then just stuck his finger …. he put… Look, what I’m trying to say is that it prompted me to make this OTHER following statement ALSO never before said by any human at any time in Earth’s history:

Holy shit – did he just finger a crocodile?

I know what you’re thinking: “Hotspur, isn’t that technically a question, not a statement?” You’re right! Also, shut up.

Edward Hotspur

Things That Can Kill You

I opened a pack of real bacon bits recently. It’s a hobby of mine, and I’ll be posting pictures of it in the future, as well as a full-length video complete with soundtrack and special effects. All this other stuff I post was just filler – there is no greater pleasure than opening bacon bits. None.  Anyway, there was a little white pack in there that had “do not eat” printed all over it. You’re probably thinking ‘that wasn’t bacon, so what the hell was it doing in there? Huh, you son of a bitch? What kind of crap are you trying to lay on us? We read your blog all the time, and you tell us this crap without so much as an explanation?’ Well, you indignant wordy poopiehead, since you asked, I’ll tell you.  But not yet. I’ll make you wait, just to teach you a valuable lesson about patience and politeness.

Okay, what that white thing was is this: I’m serious about making you wait. Did you think I was going to tell you so soon? Please.

I got to a-thinking, how stupid are all of us that we have to print that stuff on everything? Do we really have to print “Warning: Contents are Hot” on a fucking coffee cup?  Do we really have to print “Do Not Reuse” on a pack of condoms?  Is it really necessary to tell people not to shove a knife in their eyes, or to use cold medicine as directed? Are people so ridiculously dumb that they need to be admonished not to disturb this groove? Can it be possible that people have to be reminded to move away after they light a fuse on something?  How dumb are we that we have to be warned that Duraflame logs are flammable? How depraved and idiotic are we that we have to be told to seek medical attention if we have erections longer than 4 hours? Are people so stupid that we have to include assembly instructions with furniture?  Do we really live in a society so intellectually stunted that we require people to have a medical degree and years of experience just to perform heart surgery?

Let’s put all that aside for a second.  Okay, now put it back in front of you. Do we as a society need to be told that a road or a Bon Jovi album is slippery when wet? Do we really need all those warnings about how dangerous medicines and their side effects are?  And the commercials on TV – they’re so realistic! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been out at a restaurant and then suddenly started telling random strangers at the next table that the side effects of Poopinol may include vomiting, nasal diarrhea, stroke, vertigo, boogie fever and crabs while they listen with rapt attention. It happens almost every fucking day. Someone told me to ask my doctor what Vagismear can do for me, and I went out and I did that thing. It turns out that Vagismear can do nothing for me, but the point is, I did it! I went out and I was not afraid to ask the question, and not afraid to get the cold hard facts.

Speaking of that – and I was, scroll up if you don’t believe me – what about all those signs that say “Road Closed”? If I drive around it and through a ditch and around a tree and back across to the other side next to a rock, am I not creating a road? And is that road not, in fact, open? So isn’t the sign wrong? Now I have to verify every damn sign on the street?  Like “Speed Limit – 65″? Haven’t we already determined that the speed limit is the speed of light? And if those CERN dorks turn out to be correct, then will even that turn out not to be true? And is every sentence in this paragraph a question? Are there going to be any answers to these questions? Are they all rhetorical? Was that one rhetorical? Is this one rhetorical? Is a rhetorical question good enough to qualify for a zen koan, or is that cheating? And if you answer a zen koan with a zen koan, are you ‘dodging the Lama’, so to speak? Would ‘dodging the Lama’ be a good euphemism for masturbation? Have I gotten off the subject? Can I get back to it even if the road is closed? Can I get back to it with both hands and a flashlight and Google Maps?

I heard about a study that determined having a profound urge to pee can impair a driver at a level comparable to being drunk. So if the restroom is out of order at a bar, can you sue the bartender for not letting you piss in the sink? I didn’t see any signs. Besides, certain beers taste like piss, so why not just cut out the middle man and piss in the glass?  It probably tastes the same. You should do a taste test and let us know if that hypothesis was valid at greater than null with a confidence level of +/- 5% and a bell curve distribution. Before you do, please note that side effects of warm piss are a tingling sensation in the throat and esophagus and all over like when you climb a rope in gym class, shin splints, cool, cool sweats, chills that multiply, gingivitis, body rocking and urges to merge. Use only as directed by someone who is telling you what to do and seems reasonable, or your alien overlord.  Ask your doctor if warm piss is right for you. If you pee for more than four hours, stand next to a hydroelectric power plant.

Edward Hotspur

…if you have to fart, stand next to a windmill…

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