You’re walking along on your yacht or shuffleboard deck, and you look over – and some couple is kissing. As you resist the urge to vomit, you reach for your surgical mask dispenser and reflect on how many germs and diseases are spread because people can’t keep their mouths closed. Kissing in public is shocking, gross, unsanitary, and it should be banned.
It’s shocking because you expect people to behave themselves in public – not engage in some kind of Mating Dance Of The Water Buffalo prior to having intercourse. Children may be witnessing this! What’s next – defecating in public? You can’t just do anything you want. People have to exercise some self-restraint. That’s what makes us civilized – self-restraint and not giving in to our base urges, our primal instincts, until we’re behind closed and locked doors with the lights out.
It’s gross because we’ve all known our entire lives not to chew food with our mouths open. How is this any different? I’ll tell you how – it’s TWO PEOPLE with their mouths open. That’s twice as gross. And when these people also have their tongues out? Why not just chew the same piece of gum and spit everywhere, like a disgusting version of that cute scene in Lady and the Tramp? And it’s not like they’re in a field or on some hiking path – they do it right in the middle of busy restaurants while people are eating and drinking!
Which brings up the unsanitary aspect. It’s unsanitary. Do people realize how much airborne bacteria-laden saliva they are putting into the air? No, I don’t think they do. No. They don’t. Uh-uh. No way. Can’t be. They’re not even looking! They don’t see how much spit they’re spitting, how much slobber they’re slobbering, how much drool they’re drooling. And it goes everywhere – on the floor, up in the air, cycling in the water system, forming raindrops and falling right on our children! It’s terrible.
All the above is why I’m in favor of banning kissing in public. I think I’ve made my case. And you know you agree so…