Laundra walked out into the mystical magical totally glittery sugary sweet river made of filtered unicorn piss to clean her grannie panties. It had been some time since she had washed them because they were supposed to be magical and stain-resistant, or else why would she wear such damned ugly underwear all the time, especially since she dressed like a slutty nurse. Alas, they didn’t live up to their promise, the promise promised by one Wee Wee Weaver, who went by The Wee. The Wee had recently discontinued his super undergarment creation to diversify into bottled unicorn piss, as that had a higher profit margin, and an higher prophet margin as well.
Laundra had recently washed the loincloth of one Grrragh the Bubarian, who had been eternally grateful. However, it had been two weeks before the funky stank of the swamp ass engassified sweaty man stench of Grrragh’s mighty crotch had fully washed out of the river, known in the land of Utilitaria as Bill. Bill the River. The River Bill, in some cases. Not William, or Will, or Billy, the River insisted, but simply Bill. The River had an obsessive desire not to be all mighty and exotic and shit, and had fulfilled its, or his, desire.
Laundra was a goddess, and so she hadn’t come anywhere near the loincloth, instead opting to have her servants do it, because ewww. Yes, a goddess. Did I happen to mention she was a goddess? Yes, indeed, that. She was, in fact, the daughter of the God of Cleanliness himself, Mr. Clean, and his lovely wife Suzie Homemaker. Suzie had recently defeated the Dust Bunnies of Undersofa singlehandedly, using nothing but a straw and a pair of nylons. Precisely how Suzie had done this was a matter of speculation in the land of Utilitaria, but at the end of this speculation was the reason Mr. Clean had married someone who was merely a demigoddess.
Suddenly, the river dried completely up right in the middle of Laundra’s washing. She looked downstream, and found nothing except for all the things that were there. Next, she looked up. Sky, pretty much. Then it hit her: She would look upstream! Her intellect reeling, she turned her head slightly. Sure enough, there was upstream, totally like, having no water in it and stuff. Also, there was a giant beaver.
“That’s what I did, young goddess! And you can’t stop me!”
“I can break the dam.”
“You’ll have to go through me first.”
Laundra, to the giant beaver’s surprise, pulled an impossibly enormous sword from … somewhere… and sensing danger, it smacked its tail on the water. At once, immediately, several other giant beavers got there eventually, but not after Laundra had totally carved the giant beaver into a coat, gloves, a muff and a stole, plus some tufted leather boots, a fur-lined purse, a beaver skin wallet, and a beaver tiara. The other beavers, sensing danger, ran away and never came back.
Laundra pulled the sword from the muff of the giant beaver and headed upstream. After a few minutes, she saw that the unicorns had been captured by her arch nemesis Tampad.
“Tampad! What do you think you’re doing!”
“FUCK! I’m like two feet from you. You don’t have to yell. Jesus.”
“Sorry. But, like, what are you doing?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“Yes, it is obvious.”
“It sure is. Anyone could see what I’m doing here.”
“Anyone. That’s right. Well, just about.”
“Right. Not men.”
“Yes, not them. Men would have no clue what you are doing whatsoever.”
“No. They are the silliest creatures on this planet, though rarely do they venture into Utilitaria, save for rare exceptions like your father, Mr. Clean.”
“True. Anyway, why are you holding all the unicorns hostage, demanding something known only to yourself as of yet, depriving the land of cleanliness and good smells, which will eventually clog the Filter of Bad Words?”
“I want to coat the land with potty. I want swear words to cover everything, and for all creatures to make oaths and say bad words.”
“I am just in a really, really bad mood.”
Suddenly, Laundra pulled out a tiny trebuchet she had taped to the bottom of her shoe. She fired it at Tampad and hit her right in the ass.
“Why did you shoot me?” Tampad collapsed in a pool of tears, but not a river of tears, unfortunately.
“I sensed that you were in pain. Also, didn’t you just do this a month ago? And about a month before that?”
“I think so. Why? YOU BITCH!!! I love you. I’m hungry.”
“Whoa, slow your roll girlfriend. I think I’m onto something. Those pellets I hit you with were made of pure midolia. If I’m right, and I’m a woman so I’m always right, you should be feeling better in a few minutes.”
“You… you really mean it?”
“Of course! And I got you this totally bitchin’ outfit, with accessories and everything! Pure beaver!”
“OMG I love you forever! Let me see how I look.”
“You know what you have to do.”
Tampad let the unicorns go, literally. I am not sure why anyone would take the time and trouble to learn such a stupid yet evil spell, but she said the word of undoing, and the unicorns immediately started pissing like a Russian raceunicorn. The river was flowing as normal in just a few minutes. Tampad looked at her reflection and immediately saw two things:
1) She looked DAMN good in this all-beaver outfit – positively smashing. In fact, she had never looked better in her life. The degree to which she had been improved, looks-wise, was just spectacular. No one had ever looked as good in an outfit in the history of Utilitaria.
2) She was a gorgon, and when she saw her reflection she turned to stone immediately, and then fell into the river and dissolved on account of the cleansing properties of unicorn piss.
Laundra winked at the unicorns, who winked back, and then took the entire giant beaver ensemble back, now cleaned and pressed somehow. She couldn’t wait to show off her giant beaver muff to everyone in the land.