Awful Lyrics…Just Terrible

· by · in Humor, Lyrics, Music, Satire, Writing. ·

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There are many songs I hate. To be fair, there are many songs I like. There are many songs in between.

/end post

No, seriously, I have referred to three songs that I absolutely hate in previous posts – Do They Know It’s Christmas, All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You, and We Are The World. And I’ve provided what I feel are excellent reasons why I dislike them.

SPOILER ALERT: This milk is about to go bad.

But there are some absolutely stupid lyrics in songs that are, or might be, somewhat catchy or decent. My favorite example of this is the song Wonderwall by Oasis. The entire song is great musically and lyrically, right up until the word ‘wonderwall’, which makes no sense whatsoever. It’s as though Noel or Liam or Nigel or Gavin or whoever ran out of cool words to rhyme, and just made one up. In a similar vein, Steve Miller made up the word ‘pompitous’ in The Joker – the difference being he didn’t make it up in order to rhyme with something, he just did it to be a dick. For an example of terribly Steve Miller lyrics, might I submit these two:

Abra-abracadabra
I wanna reach out and grab ya

Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas
You know he knows just exactly what the facts is
He ain’t gonna let those two escape justice
He makes his livin’ off of the people’s taxes

Wow, just… wow. Now, a lot of people have serious problems with Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On, but I am actually fine with that. I’ll prove it.

PULL! *BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!*

Yes. I am totally fine with that song, as well as Nickelback’s entire catalog. Not that I advocate gun violence towards Nickelback or Celine Dion in any way. No. Just their music. Gun violence towards hard copies of their music is probably okay – but check your local laws to be sure. Keep in mind, they’re both Canadian.

I’m sorry, that doesn’t mean anything. I like Rush, for example. And Skinny Puppy. And, uh… Sum 41? I don’t know. Canadians are just alright with me! And I love hockey, which is big up there in Canadia! And I’m in good with the President of Canadia!

Speaking of… awww, fuck it, segue ways are for kids! Except that one the president of Segway rode off the cliff! (Don’t worry, he was British.) Anyway, what’s the deal with all the name checking of Mick Jagger? He’s 85 years old. “Moves like Jagger” are more like vibrating and shaking, and ‘unless he looks like Mick Jagger’ means OMG YOU’RE DATING CAPTAIN PERMANENT DUCK FACE FACE! I’M TOTALLY JEALOUS JEALOUS! (See, when you read Kesha lyrics, all she does is repeat the last word in each line. That’s how she writes because she’s a moron moron. She is to Moon Unit Zappa what Vanilla Ice is to Queen.)(Bonus points if you get that reference.)

Here’s a poem composed of lyrics that absolutely suck. I leave it to you to discover what songs they’re from.

My humps
My humps
My lovely lady lumps
I’ll never have that recipe again!
No one heard at all
Not even the chair
Somebody get me a ladder
Happy family
One hand clap
Four went out
And one came back
Shining flying purple wolfhounds
Show me where you are
I love the way you smack that ass
Time for you to go back to the places you will be from
Isn’t it ironic?
Don’t you think?
We had joy
We had fun
We had seasons in the sun
For there ain’t no one for to give you no pain
Between the moon and New York City
Sing a song
Sounds like she’s singing
Shut my mouth
Slap your grandma
You’ve never loved your stomach or your thighs
Coast to coast, LA to Chicago
I’d rather have a piece of toast
If I was a sculptor – but then again, no
Tomorrow is Saturday
Then Sunday comes afterwards
Fucking magnets – how do they work?
And he knows that my name is not Susan
Lucky my breasts are small and humble
So you don’t confuse them with mountains
A mole digging in a hole
Digging in my soul now going down
Sucking on a chili dog outside the Tastee Freeze
And what the hell is on Joey’s head
Only time will tell
If we stand the test of time

You’re welcome! Enjoy killing this nest of earworms! Have a great evening!

Edward Hotspur

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63 responses on “Awful Lyrics…Just Terrible”

  2. - Steve Miller is a guitarist, not a lyricist. I hear ya.
    - Bob Geldof, who wrote “Do The Know It’s Christmas” hates that song. He says it’s the worst song he ever wrote. I heard him say he cringes painfully every time he hears it.

  3. Thank you. Now Ab-abracadabra is stuck in my head. Lovely. I’ll be dreaming up vile ways to skewer your voodoo poppet at 2 am. Just wanted to tell you, so you know that the pain in your ass is ME!

  4. I loved I Am I Said as a kid so I’m ashamed to say I couldn’t quite place that one. MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark all the sweet cream icing flowing down, Someone left the cake out in the rain, I don’t think that I can take it, cuz it took so long to bake it. The ocean is a desert with its life underground and a perfect disguise up above. Whenever I heard “When you get lost between the moon and New York City” I wanted someone to torture Christopher Cross, as payback you know.

        • Yes, you have it wrong. It was in this very post – in fact, in the very paragraph you referenced! “Segue way” foreshadowed the later mention of Kesha’s tendency to repeat the last word in the lines of her lyrics.

          Now, I cordially invite you to address your multiple punctuation errors in your original comment, admit you are a hypocrite, admit you may have overstated your pseudonym, and finally, admit that your anecdote of how a Cambodian family got the surname “Long” is apocryphal.

          Again, he who lives by the sword… and might I recommend in the future that you learn not just the meanings of words themselves, but also how they fit together in complete sentences and paragraphs. Have a nice day.

          • An Archon is an appointed regent, not the ruling Lord.
            Anbat Siamanotham will be disappointed that you don’t believe in him.
            A propos is correct French, something many of President KayJai’s Canadian subjects speak.
            “A soft answer turneth away wrath”, doesn’t get much traction with you, does it?

      • ….dies by the diacritical marks, which I used in place of quotation marks. They seemed more a propos of your style. I’m sorry if my three little periods offended your ego, or was it my bare asterisks?

        • You claim I have an ego when your blog name means “lord” or “ruler”? You’re (unintentionally) hilarious!

          Once again, you show your hypocrisy. The terms you discussed each required the use of quotation marks, not just the ones you claimed to have replaced with asterisks to appease me.

          In addition, there is no space between the ‘a’ and the ‘p’ in the word ‘apropos’. You probably shouldn’t criticize someone else until you have all your shit together, okay “lord”?

  12. Your found poem is insane.
    Here’s my favourite abuse-to-Canadian-music story: I was in a Halifax used-record store when some poor schlub came in with a pile to sell. The dealer, an aging hippie, flipped through the pile and came to a copy of Longer Fuse by Dan Hill, the one that contained the song “Sometimes When We Touch,” which was a nauseating hit in 1977, the zenith era of musical nausea. “I’ll give you a buck for this,” said the dealer. Money exchanged hands. The dealer then took the record out of the sleeve and smashed it to pieces on the counter.
    “Sometimes when we touch/The honesty’s too much.”

  13. Moon Unit Zappa hilarious! Can’t stop laughing. Great lyrics too.. sort of makes those cheesy songs better. Sort of.I think it would sound real good in alternate reality.

No, I Can't Help But To Hear An Exchanging Of Words

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