There are many songs I hate. To be fair, there are many songs I like. There are many songs in between.
No, seriously, I have referred to three songs that I absolutely hate in previous posts – Do They Know It’s Christmas, All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You, and We Are The World. And I’ve provided what I feel are excellent reasons why I dislike them.
SPOILER ALERT: This milk is about to go bad.
But there are some absolutely stupid lyrics in songs that are, or might be, somewhat catchy or decent. My favorite example of this is the song Wonderwall by Oasis. The entire song is great musically and lyrically, right up until the word ‘wonderwall’, which makes no sense whatsoever. It’s as though Noel or Liam or Nigel or Gavin or whoever ran out of cool words to rhyme, and just made one up. In a similar vein, Steve Miller made up the word ‘pompitous’ in The Joker – the difference being he didn’t make it up in order to rhyme with something, he just did it to be a dick. For an example of terribly Steve Miller lyrics, might I submit these two:
I wanna reach out and grab ya
Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas
You know he knows just exactly what the facts is
He ain’t gonna let those two escape justice
He makes his livin’ off of the people’s taxes
Wow, just… wow. Now, a lot of people have serious problems with Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On, but I am actually fine with that. I’ll prove it.
PULL! *BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!*
Yes. I am totally fine with that song, as well as Nickelback’s entire catalog. Not that I advocate gun violence towards Nickelback or Celine Dion in any way. No. Just their music. Gun violence towards hard copies of their music is probably okay – but check your local laws to be sure. Keep in mind, they’re both Canadian.
I’m sorry, that doesn’t mean anything. I like Rush, for example. And Skinny Puppy. And, uh… Sum 41? I don’t know. Canadians are just alright with me! And I love hockey, which is big up there in Canadia! And I’m in good with the President of Canadia!
Speaking of… awww, fuck it, segue ways are for kids! Except that one the president of Segway rode off the cliff! (Don’t worry, he was British.) Anyway, what’s the deal with all the name checking of Mick Jagger? He’s 85 years old. “Moves like Jagger” are more like vibrating and shaking, and ‘unless he looks like Mick Jagger’ means OMG YOU’RE DATING CAPTAIN PERMANENT DUCK FACE FACE! I’M TOTALLY JEALOUS JEALOUS! (See, when you read Kesha lyrics, all she does is repeat the last word in each line. That’s how she writes because she’s a moron moron. She is to Moon Unit Zappa what Vanilla Ice is to Queen.)(Bonus points if you get that reference.)
Here’s a poem composed of lyrics that absolutely suck. I leave it to you to discover what songs they’re from.
My lovely lady lumps
I’ll never have that recipe again!
No one heard at all
Not even the chair
Somebody get me a ladder
One hand clap
Four went out
And one came back
Shining flying purple wolfhounds
Show me where you are
I love the way you smack that ass
Time for you to go back to the places you will be from
Isn’t it ironic?
Don’t you think?
We had joy
We had fun
We had seasons in the sun
For there ain’t no one for to give you no pain
Between the moon and New York City
Sing a song
Sounds like she’s singing
Shut my mouth
Slap your grandma
You’ve never loved your stomach or your thighs
Coast to coast, LA to Chicago
I’d rather have a piece of toast
If I was a sculptor – but then again, no
Tomorrow is Saturday
Then Sunday comes afterwards
Fucking magnets – how do they work?
And he knows that my name is not Susan
Lucky my breasts are small and humble
So you don’t confuse them with mountains
A mole digging in a hole
Digging in my soul now going down
Sucking on a chili dog outside the Tastee Freeze
And what the hell is on Joey’s head
Only time will tell
If we stand the test of time
You’re welcome! Enjoy killing this nest of earworms! Have a great evening!