Happy Valentine’s Day, to everyone who celebrates this wonderful and wonderful holiday that you still have to work on. Actually, if you think about it, Valentine’s Day is a holiday that you have to work at on all the other days. It’s a longer work period than Christmas!
I know, it’s throwing you off that I said ‘period’ and the color of Valentine’s Day is red. But don’t be upset, or someone will kill you! With kindness! Or a knife! That they’re using to cut their little chocolates in half so they can avoid all the shitty chocolates! Forest Gump was wrong. Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is like a box of kittens. Do I really need to explain this simile? Think cute, hairball, litterbox, cat person, giveaway, ASPCA, bag, river. Did you think this? Then you are one sick individual. But if you’re going to think what I tell you to, think of your bank account numbers, and share that info with me. Also, I walked on a lot of ground yesterday, so there’s plenty for everyone to worship. Koolaid will be provided!
For those of you who won’t do what I say no matter what it is, then don’t do any of the above. You’re not allowed. You won’t do it. I dare you to try.
But don’t think this post is all about pizza metaphors, Valentine’s Day, kitten-murdering similes and mind control! No! It’s also about cheesecake! Today, on the way home, I will have gotten some tiramisu cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory for my wife for Valentine’s Day! She loves that! (Turns out, Cheesecake Factory was really busy, so I went to the grocery thinking I’d buy an entire actual tiramisu. Guy behind the counter couldn’t even spell ‘tiramisu’. So, I ended up buying an entire German chocolate cake. Good enough! And, plenty of time to get the other stuff. Plus, I got wine. Wow, this parenthetical note is nearly as long as the paragraph. Now it’s probably longer. I am not keeping track.)
Side note: Don’t abbreviate Valentine’s Day as VD. People might get the wrong idea. For example, they might never have sex with you because they think you’re disease-ridden, or they just don’t want to. Also: Happy VD = not much better.
I apologize. I’m all drunk on love and happiness. Some people might think it’s booze, but nope, it’s love! 5 shots of love, and three of happiness! 100 proof! Here’s to you, Mrs. Hotspur. Edward loves you more than you will know. Whoa whoa whoa. Until I get home and tell you.
The publishing time will confuse the shit out of you, so don’t try to understand it. That’s why I’ve had to use the future imperfect disco tense. I will have been flashing jazz hands!
And now, I return you to your regularly scheduled blog post, which was… No, this was it.