Personal Ads: High Tech, Low Bar

These are some of the worst personal ads I’ve ever pretended to find somewhere.

• Male, 50, looks 49, seeking woman who is ambulatory, sapient and conscious. Loves long whatevers.
• Female, 29, looks frumpy and much older, in search of man who loves sweatpants and butter. Must smoke and have gut. Also, must not care that I’m actually 41.
• Male, 18, looking for first time with a real living woman. Been practicing on a doll I built, so I’m ready for action! Satisfaction guaranteed, especially my satisfaction.
• Female, 18, looking for male over 35 to give me lots of money but not touch me. Must spoil me rotten but expect nothing in return. Must be romantic.
• Male, 25, looking to hook up. You be available in the day, so we can do this while my mom is at work. I love women of all shapes and sizes – skinny, slender, thin, petite, willowy, etc. Hit me up!
• Female, 36, looking for one night stand to get pregnant. Saving money on in vitro! Must hit it and forget it. Second visit might be required if the first doesn’t take. Let me know.
• Male, 30, looking for girl, or even really feminine guy, looks don’t matter. Must have long hair, or short hair. Must be available for dating on a moment’s notice, because I never know when my wife will leave the house.
• Female, 26, loking for collidge grad. no dumees! pleese Call me so we can get tagether.
• Male, 28, looking for sensuous and sexy lady who knows what life is about, loves children, enjoys being spoiled and pampered, appreciates fine wine and jewelry, and isn’t afraid of commitment. Specifically, my commitment. I’m currently in a mental institution, but I’m getting out in just two weeks, and I’d like to have a girlfriend before then. Could you be the one?
• Female, 40, looking for someone to fill the holes in my life. Man who is not afraid to explore the dark places, and stick his finger in many pies. Must be willing to insert himself into many situations. Spooning optional.
• Male, 86, looking for female of any legal age. Typo on prescription has left me with 100 blue pills and no one to share them with. Let’s make this bottle last a lifetime.
• Female, 30, looking for submissive male to do whatever I tell him to do, listen to my stupid stories, go shopping with me, be berated in public, be humiliated in front of my friends, be punched in the face by my mother, be beaten like a pinata by every woman I know, and wear a sign that says “Hello, My Name Is Steve.”
• Male, 34, seeking Mary Poppins. Must be good at helping my ‘medicine’ go down. Must be super. Califragilisticexpialidocious optional.
• Female, 21, looking to share something I’ve been saving up all this time with a very lucky man. I can’t wait to share this with you! I want to give myself to you, and you only, if you’re the right man. Must also love my kids.
• Male, 43, looking for logical and reasonable woman who thinks everything through, is low maintenance and owns fewer than 15 pairs of shoes. Also looking for Easter Bunny, fairies, elves, Santa Claus, aliens, and Elvis.

Edward Hotspur

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