Introducing...OHIOKEA!

Introducing… OHIOKEA!

IKEA is a store that sells lots of stuff. You gotta assemble it. Not disassemble! Number Johnny 5 no like disassemble! Assemble only! I may be mixing things up, but I figured I’d use my patronus charm to force choke Gollum into giving me the Holy Grail, but General Zod pissed on the Bat Signal and Blofeld came instead. And that’s why this article  is about the prospect of the idea of the principle that something someone did somewhere else can totally be ripped off by Americans! You know, like Friends, or The Office, or being snobs and eating shitty food! Or being imperialists! 99 Red Balloons! The Commissar! Kissing, fries, toast and ticklers!

Anyway, you get the IDEA (see what I did there?). From what I understand, IKEA products have a crapload of funny names. But they’re not really funny, per se, just odd. They name whole groups of things after whole groups of other things. For example, upholstered furniture is named after Swedish place names, bathroom items are named after Scandinavian rivers and lakes, kitchen stuff is named after grammatical terms, and so on.

So I thought, what if I, as an American, ripped off IKEA’s IDEA and used Ohio names for all the shit? I mean, products? Huh? What then? What would happen? I asked you a question. Are you even listening to me? Forget it. I’m out of here. Just… no, don’t even… I’ll be in my trailer.

*pouts for 37 minutes*

Oh, NOW you’re going to listen? Well, maybe I don’t WANT to tell you now! Did you ever think of that? You did? Oh. Fine, Mister and/or Misses Smarty Leggings! Be that way. You’re just falling into my trap! I tricked you into not wanting me to tell you something! So I’m not telling you about the Wapakoneta dining tables, the Cornhole bookshelves, the Buckeye kitchen counters, the Cuyahoga bedlinens, the Yellow Springs bathroom items, and the GingerSnaap curtains.

Let that be a lesson to you. For your insolence, I leave you with THIS! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!

Edward Hotspur

About these ads