POTUS (Paragraph of the United States)

It’s time for another post. That day counter has reset, and it has once again passed midnight, leading to my blog turning to a pumpkin.  I slept in a little too long, and didn’t realize that I was out of bippity-boppity-boo juice, so I had to use bacon grease. That will make this post smell better, but it won’t be as filling. Wow, the sentences in this first paragraph seem to have slipped into a comma. What an apostrophe.

This second paragraph promises to raise taxes on the rich to help bring down the deficit, but it won’t outline the details of that promise. So if you were looking for a candidate for POTUS (Paragraph of the United States), this might not be the best choice. It does laugh at everything you say, though. But in a good-natured way, like your uncle or that guy who drives a cargo van. You can trust it as far as you can throw it. Further, if you print it out and ball it up first. I mean, try as you might, but you can only throw a sheet of paper so far. It just goes to show that problems CAN be solved with violence and destruction and anger! Take that, Blog Doves!

This third paragraph, like most third paragraphs, is centered around one idea, like green energy, libertarianism or freeing elephants from the dungeons under Central Park. Clearly a paragraph for the fringe voters, otherwise known as the voters who don’t matter. This paragraph is a waste of time and money, and the other two paragraphs will steal all its ideas anyway.

Even though this is the fourth paragraph, it’s the first paragraph again. It’s running for another term. This paragraph woke up and smelled the coffee, which is imported from a dozen other countries, but also from Hawaii. This paragraph is well-spoken and eloquent, like a… thing that… is also well-spoken and eloquent, or something. This paragraph was written with no notes whatsoever, but is still producing sense and logic like it’s a logic factory.  That factory is creating more jobs for logicians of logical logic, which the other paragraphs can’t explain or understand. This paragraph is bored, and wants to watch TV. Oh, look, Firefly is on Netflix. How about that.

This paragraph will not do any of the bad things that the other paragraphs have said. However, this paragraph will do all the good things the other paragraphs have said, only cheaper, better and faster, like a discount hooker, except this paragraph is for family values and would never even consider using a hooker, even a metaphorical one. This paragraph will lower taxes, raise spending, and help everyone become rich, all without costing more or doing any other bad junk. This paragraph cannot explain how it will do that. You will just have to trust it. No, really. Trust it. Truuuuuusssst iiiiiiiittttttttt.

This paragraph is a subset of the first one, and that last paragraph was a bunch of stuff, or malarkey. Boloney, or bologna if you’d rather, because this paragraph is all about choice. That last paragraph is a stupid dumbface head, and it could beat that paragraph at arm wrestling, or pro wrestling, which is just as fake as that last paragraph. This paragraph is drinking beer made right here, in this paragraph. This paragraph makes fun of other paragraphs when they’re not looking, or when they are looking, or when they sort of blink and look away but they’re still there in spirit, like the ghost of Christmas or a poultergeist. Is the ghost of a dead turkey called a poultrygeist? This paragraph will not rest until it finds out.

This paragraph is attempting to name the voice it is writing in. Fourth person? Is writing in first person but referring to that first person in the third person fourth person? This paragraph has a lot of positions in it. Just like that third paragraph, only these positions are easy to understand. This paragraph is big on being understood, so it will keep it simple. This paragraph is good for the post, good for the blog, and good for the country. Reading this paragraph cures cancer, reduces carbon emissions, and gives perfume and chocolate to the homeless. Hopefully, these claims won’t be checked.

There you have it. I copied these paragraphs randomly from today’s newspaper, and all credit goes to the people who wrote them, or thought about writing them but didn’t get around to them. It’s breakfast time in America, so wake up and have some bacon grease, or bacon itself. Bacon is good, and it is fair. So go down to the local convenience store and grab some today. You don’t even have to pay, just grab it and walk right out. Convenience stores love America, and love bacon, and love coffee, and that’s why they all give it away for free, like a hooker with a coupon special.

Edward Hotspur