The Diet Mountain Dew Post

 

I consider Diet Mountain Dew, heretoforeinasmuchasnonetheless abbreviated as DMD, to be a treat. No, a RARE treat. We have nearly always had Diet Coke Zero at the house, and that is starting to suck.

*Note: I am not paid to endorse Diet Coke Zero mostly because it is starting to suck. I am also not paid to endorse Diet Mountain Dew – yet. I am not paid to endorse anything. I am not paid to write this blog. I have made precious little money in conjunction with this blog or anything I have written or said, aside from my job where I am not writing this, unless it’s a break or lunch which is probably okay. Please ignore the fact that I spell out Diet Mountain Dew and do not use the abbreviation for the rest of this post.

Dialog Section

“Dialog?”
“I think now would be an appropriate time for some.”
“But how do we know who is talking?”
“We are talking.”
“But who are we?”
“Figments of Hotspur’s imagination.”
“Are you sure we aren’t hypothetical strawmen?”
“No. We could also be metaphorical stereotypes.”
“Have you considered the possibility that we are rhetorical devices?”
“Yes, I have, actually – I just didn’t want to say anything because I had garlic for lunch.”
“Turn left, then skip the next 3 streets and turn left, but not a hard left – a gentle left, right about where the yellow thing would be if you were going that far. But don’t go that far, because if you do, you’ve gone too far. It’s before that.”
“Man. This dialog is hard to follow.”
“Sorry. It’s the new iPhone 5 maps app.”
“That was both timely and a nice ending for the dialog section of this post.”
“Thanks. Would you hand me my pants, please?”

Weird Section

When I go down a long flight of stairs, I hold my arms stiffly at my sides so I can feel what it’s like to be Lord of the Dance.

Political Section

Mitt Romney’s gotten so desperate, his campaign just ran an ad misquoting Obama as saying Starship didn’t build this city.

Section Section

Intersection
Sectional
Sect
Insect
Inception
Section 8
Back Section
Rhythm Section
Atlanta Rhythm Section
So Into You
Pony Express Record
Shudder to Think
1994
1984
Big Brother
Traffic camera
Watching people at an intersection

Full circle (is this the end of the section, or the heading of the next section? I’ll let you decide. Why can’t it be both? It’s certainly big enough to do both by now.)

Should that have been the weird section? Who cares – this whole post is in no particular order anyway. Welcome to the Diet Mountain Dew Post! I love that stuff. I rarely get to drink it. I try to get “exotic” stuff when I can – Diet Creme Soda, which is more exotic than Diet Cream Soda. Speaking of that, you never see Ice Creme. At least, I don’t, because the light’s burned out in my freezer. Ha ha! Joke’s on you – my fridge is NEW, baby, NEW! Brand new. It works great, too, keeping all that stuff at cold temperatures and junk. I would do it myself, but I just don’t have the time. It certainly keeps the Zero cold. There’s not really anything wrong with Coke Zero, aside from the taste – I’m just not feeling it anymore. My mouth and throat are numb, is what I’m getting at here. Damn this paragraph is long. How can anyone reasonably keep up with such a long paragraph. I’ll have to jump out of it-

-and land in another one. That was fun! I think I just shattered my literary tibia! Literarily! You know how people use ‘literally’ in situations that aren’t actually literal? I hate that. It literally makes me want to literally kill people, figuratively.

In closing, I am going to purchase a Diet Mountain Dew right now. Yum. It’s good. I’m imagining drinking it now – the condensation is dripping down the can as I reach up to take its top off, and then I slowly put it up to my lips and sip the sweet nectar, the delicious and fizzy ambrosia that tickles my senses and keeps me coming back for more. Awwwwww, yeah. It’s gonna be so good.

Edward Hotspur