WELCOME, ALL COMERS, TO THE EXTRAVAGANZA THAT WILL SOON BE KNOWN AS
THE TEARS OF A CLOWN
This is the entry for Wednesday, done expertly by GingerSnaap on the subject of Fetishes: Furries. The Fast and the Furrious! Let’s listen in. (Note: Read this out loud, especially if you’re in the library or Starbucks or the DMV or a police station or on the witness stand or at a rodeo.)
Take it away, Ginger!
**Friends, let us take a moment and bow our heads in silent prayer before I begin this ridiculously fucked up lecture on the topic of Furries .
Dear God, please forgive me, for I have sold my soul to the devil. Amen.
**I find it’s always a good idea to bring God into your darkest & furriest of Blog moments**
Let us begin, shall we?
Some of us have them. Yeah, I’m talking to YOU- we all know you like to be showered with “organic Honey” and then roll in Granola so you can call yourself a DIY bird perch. But alas, I’m not talking about your freaktastic pecker show right now. No, I, your most esteemed and un-knowledgeable GingerSnaap, would like to open up your horizons to the cute and cuddly world of “Furries”.
Allow me to give you a few definitions that I ripped off from the Internets before we begin:
Furries: are anthropomorphic (“human-shaped”) animal characters—animals with human qualities or characteristics.
Furry Fandom/Fetish: The exploration and examination of humanity and human values through anthropomorphic expression. This includes animated cartoons, comic books and strips, stories, artwork, costumes, and stuffed animals.
WikiWeirdia also tells us that a Furry Fetish is not only reserved for “all things furry”. No, sadly, it refers to any impulse you may have to dress up as any type of animal/mammal/bird, etc.
Friends, I am afraid that there are many among us who are un-churched. Let us stop once more and offer up a prayer for these lost souls. Amen.
Another excerpt from WikiWeirdia: Some Furries believe they have a spiritual connection to a particular animal. Strong spiritual believers may often say that they are “an animal in a human body”.
Can I get a witness?
Anyone care to preach this to the choir of what the fuck is wrong with you?
“Hey! I have a great idea! Let’s try to become one with our Maker and heighten our sexual experience by dressing up like squirrels! Want some nuts?”
This is exactly the reason why we don’t have Cable Television anymore.
I will admit to all of you that my knowledge of ‘Furries’ was a bit limited before this week. Typing ‘Furries Fetish’ into The GoogleNets was a first for me. At first I thought ‘Furries Fetish’ meant “I like women who don’t shave their beavers on a regular basis”. Are the non-vaginal/ mammal type of beavers furry? I don’t really know. I mean, I know they are good with wood and all. I am only familiar with my own vaginal-type of beaver. It’s degree of furriness will remain undisclosed at this time.
I find myself wondering how an obsession like this starts…
*Is it hereditary? Certainly at some point in your life someone would have told you that your parents were pedophiles and that there was a good reason why family photos like the one below never ended up in the Church Directory, right? For one, your mom needs to read up on ‘Brazilian Waxing’, and for two, your dad is the reason why your baby sister became a serial killer. This was not a Happy Christmas for you, was it?
*Were you trying so hard to get in touch with your ‘inner kitten’ that you ended up with Cat Scratch Fever, thus rendering your good judgement and sanity useless?
* When you overheard your grandma say “The secret to a good marriage is to hump like rabbits”, did you take that literally? Silly rabbit-man, furry sex is for rodents. REAL rodents. The only time I will say that ‘furry sex’ is acceptable is if we are talking about Hugh Hefner and a Playboy Bunny photo shoot. That is all.
This is NOT a PlayBoy Bunny…
* When discussing sexual positions with your Frat buddies, were you confused when they spoke of the “Doggie Style” technique? I am sure NOT ONE of them mentioned using an anal plug with the fluffy tail of a poodle attached, right?
**Ginger will not offer up a photo of that image**
*Did you simply dry hump one too many stuffed animals as a child? Hello? Ever heard of a bar of soap and a shower? A habitual masturbator will always be more accepted into society than a confused adult dressed up like a rabid raccoon.
* Maybe it’s nothing more than that one time when you were dropped on your Frankenstein sized head as a baby, and when you came to, the Nature Channel’s special about the violent Mating Habits of the Tasmanian Devil was on and it brainwashed you somehow. *Reason number two why we don’t have Cable Television anymore.
Look, whatever the reason, I just have to tell you this: I worry about the salvation of your soul. I honestly do.
I think the closest I’ve ever come to having a Furry Fetish is when I waited 5 weeks to have my Snatch waxed instead of my usual 4 weeks. Although, I don’t mind telling you that my French Maid costume came with a Feather Duster. Today it’s a feather duster, tomorrow it’s an Ostrich Costume with a trap door for easy access. Can an Ostrich have an orgasm?
Note to self: Use The GoogleNets to find out about Ostrich orgasms.
You wanna know what Ginger’s fetish is? My fetish is telling my husband to go fuck himself when he wants to get busy with me at 5 am, that’s what my fetish is. Gets me all hot and bothered and shit. I guess you could put that in the Furry Fetish category since my teeth are furry from plaque and drool at that hour in the morning. Ginger doesn’t do mornings. Pun intended.
Seriously people, whatever happened to good-ole-fashioned-vanilla-style-fetishes like Spanking or Erotic Asphyxiation? Surely suffocating your partner in the name of the Big O is better for your dignity than dressing up as a Chicken and screaming “Cock-A-Doodle-Dooo, all over you”, right?
How about a nice neighborhood Swinger’s Club in the suburbs? I know for a fact that Mrs-Middle-Aged-Lonely-Housewife-Married-To-An-Ugly-Balding-Man-With-A-Beer-Gut-And-Hair-Coming-Out-Of-His-Ears, her Bff, and the Mr. Metro Sexual Man she is married to, along with the slightly overweight Divorcee in the cul-de-sac, would be more than happy to let you make them your bitches- no floppy ears, leash, or dog license required!
No, wait, here is my suggestion to you- have a simple threesome. I’ve always said that the best threesome that anyone could ever hope to be involved in is with a Graham Cracker, a Marshmallow, and a piece of Milk and/or Dark Chocolate. We do not discriminate against colors of chocolate- they are both equally pleasing to the palate.
Don’t you want to have friends that don’t bark or howl to communicate with you? Well, do you?
Please, I beg of you, stop the Wooly Madness obsession with the Wooly Mammoth active wear.
It’s just not Christian. Or decent.
It’s actually more indecent than it is un-christian, so stop. Just….stop.
Look, I’ll even get down on all fours to make you understand how serious I am.
For the love of all things sexually explicit, STOP.
I truly believe that this is what’s wrong with America and most likely Canada as well.
Friends, I will leave you with a new rendition of the Bruno Mars song “Amazing”
Her eyes, her eyes- reminiscent of a rabid beaver.
Her hair, her hair- it’s all matted from her dingelberries .
She’s so beautiful, I want to smell her everyday.
When I see your furry face, there’s not a thing that I would change.
Cuz sex is amazing, in a Ground Hog costume, yeah.
And when you smile, you’re buck teeth show you’ve not brushed in awhile.
When you Yiff it’s amazing, in a Ground Hog costume,yeah.
Thanks folks, I’ll be here all day, and don’t forget to tip your bartenders!
Well, you know who’s amazing? GingerSnaap! She’s also nearly Cincinnatian! Whatever that means! She’s the shiniest!
You must CLICK THE LIKES. MUST CLICK THEM! The likes are so shiny!