I’m sitting there at work. My wife and I had been having a discussion this morning about whether our daughter Daria, age 20, had moved out. Wife thought so. I thought not, chalking it all up to the new license and car, and no longer needing to bring a car back. And then, this conversation happened via text message.
Wife: Um….. Daria did move out…. and she got married today
Me: LOL good one
Wife: Like for real…. hold on
Wife: She did
Me: Did move out = sure. No notification = sure. Got married = no.
Wife: [PICTURE OF THE FUCKING MARRIAGE LICENSE AS OF TODAY]
Wife: [PICTURE OF DARIA AND HER NEW HUSBAND HOLDING THE FUCKING MARRIAGE LICENSE IN OUR KITCHEN]
Me: What’s your reaction?
Wife: Shock…. right now…. and yours?
Me: Um…. just can’t stop thinking about the other night.
Me: Ah, that night….. Nice….
Me: What I think is that it is out of character for Daria, and I sense that you are about to go up in parental rank.
Wife: No… just a son in law
Me: You = months away from being a grandmother.
Wife: No, they aren’t planning kids yet – first thing I fucking asked…. sheesh
Me: I never said it was planned.
And the conversation got more specific and more in the weeds about what a horrible idea it was. Our general consensus was we like the guy, who I’ll nickname Ross – we like Ross, but WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!!?!?
Where are they going to live? Insurance? College? All that stuff. I don’t get it. Apparently they decided on Sunday, and did it today. Monday. That is fucking batshit insane with a side of Jesus fuckenstein I need a drink.
And then when I got home, all ready for the onslaught of talking about it, I had forgotten that it was the kids’ orientation at school this evening. So we had to be pretty reserved, and discuss it in the car on the way there. And all the way home, and to everyone we know.
This is our OJ trial. This is our Challenger disaster. This is our personal 9/11. This is our Real Housewives of Southwest Ohio.
In the immortal words of Dr. Sam Beckett…..