“I just… know. I know things.”
“I hardly think that you could just assume-”
“Also, look.” Your pointed to the stage, where Bobby was about to speak, Betty at his side. “Oh, but I don’t want to assume anything, George.”
“Fine, you got me. What’s he doing?”
The music completely stopped. Bobby grabbed the microphone like a fluffer grabs a… let’s go with pillow. “Mortals and loyal subjects, welcome to the first day of the rest of your lives. And for some of you, your last.” With this, he pointed at George and Your. “You two come up here. Now.”
George and Your looked at each other, shrugged, and walked up to the stage.
“I understand you had a little trouble getting in.” Bobby cackled like some stupid evil person. “I couldn’t let you interfere with my business.”
“Business? What business?”
“The business of immortality. How old do you think I am, George?”
“Probably 18 or 19, like just about everyone in here.”
“Wrong! I am 197 years old, and I intend to get older. These people are going to help me.”
“You know, Bobby, you could just wait. Wait a second. There, see? You’re older already, you moron. Now, can we turn the music back on and get this prom back on track?”
“You fool! You have no idea who you’re dealing with. You! Down there in the tux! Come here! Okay, bad directions. You, third person on the left, next to the… oh, the hell with it.” Bobby jumped down off the stage, grabbed a guy, and jumped back up, without breaking a sweat, or obeying the laws of gravity.
“Bobby! What do you think you’re doing?”
“Some sacrifices have to be made. Some people have to give themselves up so that others can go on!”
“I can’t let that happen, Bobby! I think I know who and what you are, and I am not letting that happen.”
“Oh really? What exactly do you think I am? If you guessed ‘a vampire’ you’re correct.”
“A vampire! It all makes sense. The slips in time, the way you’ve held the crowd in thrall this whole time without anyone flipping out or reacting in any way… It all fits. And you brought Betty here, and I can’t let you do anything to her.”
“Do anything… to HER? George, once again you are completely ignorant.”
“WHAT, Your? I’m a little busy here saving the girl I-”
George looked where Your was pointing. Something that looked like it could once have been a creature that vaguely resembled Betty was standing there, eyeing the new prom date hungrily.
“I can no more do anything to her than you can, idiot! SHE made ME what I am. She is the queen vampire!”
“Wait… so that’s Betty, and she’s a vampire, and older than you, and you’re 197, and you’ve come here to add to your coven of vampires, but also to feed on tons of innocent teens at this dance?”
“No, you fool! Wait… Yes. Yes, that’s pretty much all true. Your next!”
“Me? You’re going to turn me into a vamp-”
“Not you! Your! She’s next!” Bobby lunged at Your, but she dodged him easily.
“I don’t think so, Bobby. You’re not the only one who isn’t what they seem.” Your ran around Bobby with the microphone cord, entangling him and causing him to fall and break a tooth. An incisor! “I should knock out the other one.”
Bobby rose to his feet by levitation, and with one movement snapped the microphone cord into dozens of pieces.
“You’re going to have to do better than that, Your.”
As they squared off, George was still staring at Betty, entranced. Her attention was focused on him suddenly, and he found he couldn’t look away.
*Always had a crush on me, huh, George* The words stabbed directly into his mind, bypassing his ears. *Allow me to crush YOU*
Betty moved towards the hypnotized George, and reached out to him, ready to drain his soul, but at the last minute something flashed in front of his eyes.
“George! Get out of here! I’ll try to hold them off as long as I can, but you’ve got to get these people out of here!”
George, freed of his hypnosis, turned to look at Your. She smiled at him, and then she and Bobby became a blur of movements, feigns and thrusts and blows. She knocked Bobby back and then slammed an elbow into Betty’s thorax, momentarily stopping her.
George was stunned. Vampires and super ninja speed demons? Here? He wondered how he had missed it. But with the rest of the student body zoned out, and Your obviously not a normal person, he decided it was time.
“Your! I didn’t know you had powers!”
“Yeah, well don’t tell anyone. And needless to say, this one is more important than the accent thing.”
“I can help you. You’re not the only one!” George picked Betty up – ironically, finally getting what he wanted just a day before – and flew up into the rafters. She tried to rake his eyes out, but he had already begun his descent. He flew at top speed directly at the ground, letting go of Betty and veering off at the last second. Betty slammed into the ground, splattering guts and dark vampire blood all over everything. A shadow slowly moved off towards the door.
“Sorry about that, Your.”
“George! You have powers too? That’s amazing! I knew there was a reason I liked you.”
“You like me? Why didn’t you say anything?”
“You were so hung up on Betty, I didn’t think you would notice me. By the way, you don’t still like her, do you?”
“No, uh, she’s a little flat for my tastes.”
“Good. Because you’re mine now, and I’ll never let you go. Oh, hang on.” Your took a microphone stand and shoved it through Bobby’s chest. Another shadow moved towards the door.
“I like you too, Your. But the fortune teller lady said-”
“Later, George. We’ve got to follow those shadows, or else we’ll have to do this all over again. Bobby and Betty will simply reform.”
“Okay, lead the way.”
They followed the shadows through the doors, down the hall, and up to the second floor to the chemistry lab. They broke in the door, and the shadows had just gone under a closet door. George broke through that too, expecting to see a closet full of chemicals, beakers and other geekly stuff. Instead, he saw all that plus two coffins, and Mr. Grimoire chained to the wall.
“Mr. Grimoire! Hang on, I’ll get you out of this.” Before he realized what he was doing, he snapped the chains. Grimoire just stared at him and smiled. Then, Grimoire grabbed two wooden rulers, dipped them into a vial of muratic acid, opened both the coffins, and jammed the rulers into the two vampires’ chests.
“The muratic acid makes them suffer longer. Don’t ask me how I know.”
“You don’t seem surprised by any of this – or afraid.”
“I’ll tell you a secret, George Uberman. I’m not. I’ve been hunting them for years. I am the guardian of this land. Also, cocktail sauce is made of ketchup and horseradish.”
“Wow, really? Thanks. I hope you won’t say anything about me breaking those chains.”
“He won’t. He hasn’t said anything about me all these years.”
“You know him?”
“Sure I do. He’s my father. Wait… your name is George Uberman?”
“‘UBERMAN?’ Your last name is superhuman… and you were trying to keep your powers a secret?”
“I didn’t pick my name. My parents did. And look who’s talking! What kind of name is Your Mom?”
“Thanks, dad, I’ve got this. Your is short for Yourianna, and Mom was changed from Momovich when my grandparents came here in the 50s to escape… something.”
“But your dad’s name is Mr. Grimoire!”
“Grimoire Momovich. I changed it to Ovich Grimoire to take attention away from Your.”
“Oh. Well, as long as we’re all talking, my parents are from another planet. Nickel. And I’m adopted, it turns out.”
“Great! So you’ll be marrying my daughter? Is that how it works?”
“Dad, he just asked me to prom, not to be his wife.”
“Besides, that gypsy at the carnival told me that I was destined to be with someone named Betty.”
“Actually, George, my first name is Betty. I was born Betty Yourianna Momovich. Yeah, I know – my mother liked the Flintstones. What can I say? That’s why I go by Your.”
“Wow, this is… overwhelming. That gypsy told me that, and then said “Next.” And I always wondered what that-”
“Wait… carnival? Was she a very short woman, with black hair and a white stripe down the middle?”
“Yeah punkin, I think George is talking about Aunt Greta.”
“Aunt Greta? Also, ‘punkin’?”
“Shut up. Yes, Aunt Greta. She’s one of us. She can see the future. So if she said that, and then said “next”, it meant she was telling the truth. She throws in some lies every now and then just to keep things interesting. Sort of hiding in plain sight.”
“You are… impressive, Your. You’re pretty, in your own sexy way. I don’t know why I never really… I mean, no offense, but you never really stood out before.”
“You know what it’s like. Hiding your power, hiding your true nature.”
“That’s true. Well, you want to go get something to eat? All that vampire smashing and staking made me hungry for steak and a baked potato.”
“Me too! Let’s go.”
*5 years later*
“I’ll take this one.”
“What, you don’t think I can handle it?”
“No, I’m saying that we don’t both need to go.”
“I’ve got that sitter on call, George. It’s no problem.”
“It’s overkill! It’s only one alien, with a laser. I’ve got it.”
“Oh, sure, big man gonna take care of it.”
“Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s the guy who can’t put the cap back on the toothpaste!”
“Able to leap the pile of clothes in the bedroom in a single bound – a million times, if necessary!”
“I’ll get it when I get back! I just have to-”
“Fine! Can you pick up some toilet paper on the way home?”
“Okay, done. Later.”
“You’re just gonna walk out. Just like that. You know NOTHING!”
“Okay. That’s it. What the hell is wrong with you? I didn’t do anything! I’ve just tried to do nothing but oh my god! You’re pregnant!”
“No, you moron! I’m pre- wait, what did you say? How could you have possibly…”
“You must have thought it, or something, and I picked up your thoughts.”
“I didn’t think anything.”
“Well someone did… Oh. My. God.”
“What? Did you… you’re not saying…. oh, crap.”
“Yes, honey. I think you’re pregnant with a telepath!”
The End?????????????????????????????????????????????? No, probably not. Keep watching for more adventures of George Uberman, Your Uberman… and maybe a Baby Uberman…… Dawn of the Ubermans! Coming Soon! Or not!