Just in time for Spring, when the flowers are blooming, the trees are chirping, the rabbits are buzzing and the bees and beavers are busy, and the thoughts turn to love, romance, and diets, here’s a list of suggestions for anniversary gifts for those of you who were tired of getting the milk for free and wanted to pay more for less milk.
It goes like this, in this format, which is like this, which I will outline for you thusly, like this, more or less:
0th – [traditional suggestion]
[what to get for] Men: [suggestion]
[what to get for] Women: [suggestion]
[what NOT to get for] Men and/or Women, depending: [hilarious answer that will make you pee your pants]
1st – Paper
Men: Tickets to a good sporting event
Women: Cash money
Not (both genders): Divorce papers
2nd – Cotton
Men and Women: Bed Sheets, bed canopy, hammock for two, bathrobes
Not (Men): A t-shirt that you say is for him, but you’re going to end up wearing yourself
Not (Women): Tampons
3rd – Leather
Men: Football, belt, shoes
Women: Purse, luggage
Risky (both): S&M gear
Not (both): Chaps
4th – Fruit and Flowers
Men: Asiatic Lilies and Apple Pie
Women: Lavender and Strawberries & Cream
Not: Fruit Roll-ups and Dandelions
5th – Wood
Men: Books, Japanese Maple
Women: Jewelry Box
Both: “wood”, if you know what I mean
Not (Men): Furniture he has to assemble
Not (Women): Kitchen utensils or a broom/mop
Not (both): “morning wood”
6th – Candy
Men: Just about anything
Women: Chocolate truffles, box of chocolates
Not (both): Black licorice, Asian candy of any kind, chocolate-covered insects
Especially not (Men don’t ask for): A stripper named Candy
7th – Copper and Wool
Men and Women: A… dreamcatcher? A sock full of pennies? I don’t know. Who thought this one up? No wonder men and women get a seven-year itch. Jeez.
8th – Bronze
Men and Women: Bronze-framed picture of your spouse, with you if you wish
Not (both): Spray tan, George Hamilton bio
9th – Pottery
Men and Women: Um…pottery?
Better: Any book by J.K. Rowling; DVDs of seasons of M.A.S.H. post-1974
Not (both): Pot
10th – Tin
Men and Women: Picture frame. That’s it for tin, really. Get it? Ten? Tin? Wow, how clever. That’s why the gift suggestion for the next anniversary is elevender! Since we’re being so clever, let’s go with pewter, which is 85-99% tin, and get each other compewters for this one.
Not (both): A Tin Machine album, tin cans, tinfoil, tinsel
11th – Steel
Men and Women: Timepieces, golf clubs
Not (both): kitchen knives
DEFINITELY not (women): Exercise equipment
12th – Silk
Men: Ties, boxers
Women: Scarves, lingerie
Both: Robes, sheets
Not (both): Worms, soy milk,
13th – Lace
Men: Are you kidding me? Unlucky that this one isn’t a masculine year… well, it is number 13. I guess if your wife wears lace that’s a gift to you… for a few seconds.
Women: Actually, if you have anything lace, it gets taken from you. But you get leather. It’s a Stevie Nicks thing.
Not (both): Doilies
14th – Ivory
Men and Women: Nothing. This one is kind of cruel.
Not (both): Dish soap, piano
15th – Crystal
Men and Women: By now, you probably have small children, so don’t get anything crystal. Get some Cristal, instead.
Not (both): Crystal meth
20th – China
Men and women: For the same reason above, don’t get china. Take a trip to China instead.
Better (both): Buy anything you want, because chances are it will be made in China.
Not (both): China dolls, Chinese fingertrap, fireworks
Okay, by the 25th anniversary, you probably make more money than you’ve ever made in your life, plus your kids are mostly gone, so hello disposable income! I recommend going places named after jewels and precious metals as opposed to buying the jewelry itself. Much more fun, and you can’t lose it. So…
25th – Silver
Silver Springs, Silver Dollar City
Not: Long John Silver’s
30th – Pearl
Pearl Harbor in Hawaii, Pearl in the U.S. Virgin Islands
Not: A pearl necklace
35th – Coral
Great Barrier Reef or Coral Sea in Australia
Not: The OK Coral
40th – Ruby
Ruby Falls in Tennessee
Not: Ruby Ridge, Idaho; Ruby Tuesday’s
45th – Sapphire
Sapphire, Queensland, Australia
50th – Gold
Gold Coast, Golden Globes Awards
55th – Emerald
Emerald in Australia, Emerald Coast in Florida
60th, 65th, 70th, 75th, 80th – Diamond
Heaven, Oblivion, Valhalla, etc. Because by the time you’re this old and have been married this long, much like this post, you’re pretty much ready to move into the hereafter, whatever that might mean for you. Besides, women already got a diamond when the men proposed. Right?
Hopefully this list is helpful for you. There are, of course, more suggestions for the first 10-15 years because people tend to run across the first few anniversaries a little more often than the 40th. And if you’re extremely rich but really young or really twee, you can simply change all the years to months, while I vomit! Thank you.