Just in time for Spring, when the flowers are blooming, the trees are chirping, the rabbits are buzzing and the bees and beavers are busy, and the thoughts turn to love, romance, and diets, here’s a list of suggestions for anniversary gifts for those of you who were tired of getting the milk for free and wanted to pay more for less milk.
It goes like this, in this format, which is like this, which I will outline for you thusly, like this, more or less:
0th – [traditional suggestion]
[what to get for] Men: [suggestion]
[what to get for] Women: [suggestion]
[what NOT to get for] Men and/or Women, depending: [hilarious answer that will make you pee your pants]
1st – Paper
Men: Tickets to a good sporting event
Women: Cash money
Not (both genders): Divorce papers
2nd – Cotton
Men and Women: Bed Sheets, bed canopy, hammock for two, bathrobes
Not (Men): A t-shirt that you say is for him, but you’re going to end up wearing yourself
Not (Women): Tampons
3rd – Leather
Men: Football, belt, shoes
Women: Purse, luggage
Risky (both): S&M gear
Not (both): Chaps
4th – Fruit and Flowers
Men: Asiatic Lilies and Apple Pie
Women: Lavender and Strawberries & Cream
Not: Fruit Roll-ups and Dandelions
5th – Wood
Men: Books, Japanese Maple
Women: Jewelry Box
Both: “wood”, if you know what I mean
Not (Men): Furniture he has to assemble
Not (Women): Kitchen utensils or a broom/mop
Not (both): “morning wood”
6th – Candy
Men: Just about anything
Women: Chocolate truffles, box of chocolates
Not (both): Black licorice, Asian candy of any kind, chocolate-covered insects
Especially not (Men don’t ask for): A stripper named Candy
7th – Copper and Wool
Men and Women: A… dreamcatcher? A sock full of pennies? I don’t know. Who thought this one up? No wonder men and women get a seven-year itch. Jeez.
8th – Bronze
Men and Women: Bronze-framed picture of your spouse, with you if you wish
Not (both): Spray tan, George Hamilton bio
9th – Pottery
Men and Women: Um…pottery?
Better: Any book by J.K. Rowling; DVDs of seasons of M.A.S.H. post-1974
Not (both): Pot
10th – Tin
Men and Women: Picture frame. That’s it for tin, really. Get it? Ten? Tin? Wow, how clever. That’s why the gift suggestion for the next anniversary is elevender! Since we’re being so clever, let’s go with pewter, which is 85-99% tin, and get each other compewters for this one.
Not (both): A Tin Machine album, tin cans, tinfoil, tinsel
11th – Steel
Men and Women: Timepieces, golf clubs
Not (both): kitchen knives
DEFINITELY not (women): Exercise equipment
12th – Silk
Men: Ties, boxers
Women: Scarves, lingerie
Both: Robes, sheets
Not (both): Worms, soy milk,
13th – Lace
Men: Are you kidding me? Unlucky that this one isn’t a masculine year… well, it is number 13. I guess if your wife wears lace that’s a gift to you… for a few seconds.
Women: Actually, if you have anything lace, it gets taken from you. But you get leather. It’s a Stevie Nicks thing.
Not (both): Doilies
14th – Ivory
Men and Women: Nothing. This one is kind of cruel.
Not (both): Dish soap, piano
15th – Crystal
Men and Women: By now, you probably have small children, so don’t get anything crystal. Get some Cristal, instead.
Not (both): Crystal meth
20th – China
Men and women: For the same reason above, don’t get china. Take a trip to China instead.
Better (both): Buy anything you want, because chances are it will be made in China.
Not (both): China dolls, Chinese fingertrap, fireworks
Okay, by the 25th anniversary, you probably make more money than you’ve ever made in your life, plus your kids are mostly gone, so hello disposable income! I recommend going places named after jewels and precious metals as opposed to buying the jewelry itself. Much more fun, and you can’t lose it. So…
25th – Silver
Silver Springs, Silver Dollar City
Not: Long John Silver’s
30th – Pearl
Pearl Harbor in Hawaii, Pearl in the U.S. Virgin Islands
Not: A pearl necklace
35th – Coral
Great Barrier Reef or Coral Sea in Australia
Not: The OK Coral
40th – Ruby
Ruby Falls in Tennessee
Not: Ruby Ridge, Idaho; Ruby Tuesday’s
45th – Sapphire
Sapphire, Queensland, Australia
50th – Gold
Gold Coast, Golden Globes Awards
55th – Emerald
Emerald in Australia, Emerald Coast in Florida
60th, 65th, 70th, 75th, 80th – Diamond
Heaven, Oblivion, Valhalla, etc. Because by the time you’re this old and have been married this long, much like this post, you’re pretty much ready to move into the hereafter, whatever that might mean for you. Besides, women already got a diamond when the men proposed. Right?
Hopefully this list is helpful for you. There are, of course, more suggestions for the first 10-15 years because people tend to run across the first few anniversaries a little more often than the 40th. And if you’re extremely rich but really young or really twee, you can simply change all the years to months, while I vomit! Thank you.
Edward Hotspur
Ha! I might frame this and give it to my fiance on our wedding day! Thanks.
Lorna
You could print it out for the first one, cause that’s paper. Then you could frame it with various materials for the others. It’s the gift that keeps on giving!
Thank you. Oh, and congratulations!
Wow…our 21st anniversary happened 4 days ago. We gave each other a headache. And had friends over and drank alot….and you lot tweeted me excessively. Fun night…drunk and tweeting and an anniversary. Good times. I think next year we’ll do the same only different.
Our anniversary is the same every year – and it works extremely well and we love it. We just book a night at a nice hotel, and eat at one of those fancy restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
You know, Subway.
Do you stay in the hotel, or just book it? I had to ask…
After our nice dinner in a schmancy restaurant, during which we drink a lot, we go back to the hotel and drink a lot. And then we order up one of those things on the hotel TV, and just go at it all night.
That’s right. We do head-to-head Tetris!
Wow..you are an inspiration and romantic, I have to say.
We like to take turns making the pieces fit.
It is sad how many of the NOT items I have.
LOL! Well, you might have the first year, but you didn’t get it in the first year.
Wait, what about the 16th anniversary? How could you leave that out? Mine is in October and I have no suggestions to go on! OHMYGAWD.
Oh,and, cash money is the perfect suggestion for the 1st anniversary!
PERFECT!
The 16th anniversary… well 100% of all lists I consulted, traditional or modern, started going by 5-year increments after 15. It was my 16th back in February. I don’t use lists. I’m listless.
How about Listerine?
He already has some Listerine.
Perhaps you need to fill in the gaps for 16,17,18,19th anniversary lists!
Tell you what…. I’ll let you know what I get next anniversary, and so forth. I’m about to hit all those.
In the meantime, you could just repeat 15th. It’s pretty much the same after that anyway.
I am just going to let you do all my thinking for me…
Don’t do that.
But you are so good at it… and it makes my head hurt.
Take an acet or an ibu.
Why would I take a small rodent and a large, flightless bird, both found on Papua New Guinea an nowhere else in the world? Where would I take them too?
Two of them. And call your doctor in the morning if your headache lasts for more than four hours.
This will take some doing.
Or naproxen.
Should I take all these together?
We’re not gonna take it anymore.
No Twisted Sister references here! You have discipline!
I want a rock.
No. You will gather too much moss.
That would cause too much moss perturbation.
I am licken that joke…
Thanks.
No, thank you.
And why is there a bed in the waiting room? Are you trying to seduce us physically now as well as mentally?
I read your last 3 comments and first I was like lolwut? And then I realized you were talking about my headers. Upload two or more headers and set it to random, and they will change each time you reload.
Right… now explain the half-finished comment you left me a while ago.
It could be finished with so many things!
So it was a fill-in-the-blank thing. I knew it.
I left the blank blank so you could fill it in.
Well… my mind is a blank… so…
Well it looks like you filled that in nicely.
There is stuff going on in there… dark stuff… I don’t like to let it out.
Well, you can’t because it would hurt.
And not just me.
Everybody hurts sometimes.
Or all the time.
Holy smokes, batman… it just changed to a freekin Japanese room and table… are you trying to give me flashbacks?
Now it is an orange bedroom set… I am not coming back until you stop that…
Okay, the pink wall with the tree painted on it is sort of nice…
Ooooh… blossoms and a waterfall…
LOL!
I may or may not have, awhile ago, also clicked the refresh button so I could see all the pwetty pictures.
How many are there now, PMAO?
I stopped counting. I felt like I was traveling with Dr. Who…
Horton heard one of those once.
And look at the trouble that got him into.
In the end, no trouble at all.
I saw the movie. I read the book… there was trouble, alright.
I read the movie. Subtitles. I just made chicken salad with red onions, walnuts, grapes, relish, olive oil mayo and Miracle Whip, and had some on a croissant with cheese. Good stuff.
I think there may be 25 plus.
I can see a trip to China in my near future!
You’re near your 20th? Wow.
Yep, end of this year we will have been together 23 and married 19. So we are close….
That’s quite an achievement, these days. Congratulations! What’s your secret?
We had metal detectors installed in the house…no weapons allowed.
LOL! What about knives and boxcutters and nail files? And words……
Yea…words can be a problem….they are the hardest to prepare for. My husband is the quiet type….I communicate, sometimes, way too much!
And you find yourself overcommunicating in the act of trying to draw him out, right? Yeah.
Yep. It goes like this.
Me: How are you?
Him: Fine
Me: What’s wrong
Him: Eh Nothing I’m fine
Me: No your not what’s wrong
Him: I’m fine
Me losing my patience: Ugh, I wish you would just spit it out.
Him: I’m just tired
Me: Then go lay down
Him: nah
LOL
Mine goes more like:
Her: *sigh*
Me: What’s wrong?
Her: Nothing.
Me: Great!
LOL I have stopped asking. Now I just put him in time out until he has figured it out and is ready to talk!
Right! Train them not to make talky talky noises unless they’re going to finish the thought.
Basically…no grunts, sighs, groans, or other gutteral under the breath noises
Truthfully, he is my soul mate. Not only am I convinced God made him specifically to put up with me but he is the only person I can stand spending so much one on one time with. He is the only one I think about ending my day with.
Wow, that’s really sweet. So sweet, I just added it to my coffee.
My personal favorite are your suggestions for Crystal.
Since I’ve never made it past 10 guess the champagne and meth will always be just romantic notions -sigh-
Sadly by my (last) 10 year anniversary the Tin Machine CD had been lost in a tragic act of defenestration via my soon to be ex’s car window
I”m not much better… I’ve only made it past 10 once. Tin Machine: I heard Under The God and I thought ‘man, what a great song!’ Then I bought the Tin Machine album, listened to it all the way through, and thought “man, Under The God is a great song”.
Ha! Had the same experience when the CD purchase was made.
There might have been one other song, but right in the first verse it had a terrible rhyme that threw me off. It was something like Johnny Can’t Read. Otherwise, bleh.
Yep. Do have Under The God on the iPod, the rest of the album deserved the horrendous fate that befell it… which was my excuse at the time. No wait. I heard about it. Never touched that window button or box cutter.
How could Bowie go so hideously wrong. The horror. Not to mention humiliation.
He recovered, though. I think.
The pewter idea is actually genius… but screw traditon. All anniversaries should require trips. Minus children, of course.
The dreamcatcher idea is top shelf. I’m always surprised by how many of those things still float around, even though most of my friends are in their thirties… Speaking of, did I miss your real age post? (I feel a little Oprah-esque for using the phrase real age…)
I don’t know. I did a post called What’s My Age Again? A couple of weeks ago. I’m 82. Going on 13.
I too am going to frame this for future reference.
However:
Not: Fruit Roll-ups and Dandelions
I LIKE FRUIT ROLL-UPS!!!!
Also, I harbor a deep hatred for M*A*S*H, which really, really offends Joe. But anyway, he will not be receiving any seasons on DVD. He watches enough of it on Netflix anyway. (Ugh.)
I only watch the episodes that have Alan Alda in them.
Also, I like lasagne, but I don’t want it as an anniversary gift.
I could have said Not: apple-bottom jeans.