An Analysis And Dissection Of The Utterly Stupid Song "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You"

For an analysis of the cut-down “So’s your face!”, click here!
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This is an analysis and dissection of the utterly stupid song All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You by Heart (sort of). Why? Because with mommy porn and stripper movies in the headlines, some people might be confusing empowerment and glitter. Also, some people might actually like this horrible, crappy, awful song that defies logic and emotion both.

I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by telling you that this song is about a whorish asshole of a woman who has a husband that apparently can’t have kids, so instead of talking about it, or seeing some doctors, or using SCIENCE!, or, you know, FUCKING TRYING AGAIN A FEW MORE TIMES – or even leaving him – this slut is driving down the road and picks up a filthy hitchhiker and screws him in a hotel room for his baby gravy! Fuck yeah! Stay tuned for the follow-up single All I Wanna Do Is Make You Take A Paternity Test (Maury Povich Remix)!

It was a rainy night when he came into sight
Standing by the road
no umbrella
no coat
Okay, so for the record, this is a hitchhiker, with no car. Unless he ran out of gas, which is a warning sign in and of itself, he is at best lazy, and at worst either too unemployed to have a car, or too much in trouble with the law to have a license, and dirty, drunk and homeless either way. 99% of people would just pass right on by, especially in this day and age, but hey, not THIS woman!

So I pulled up along side and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while
See? Utterly ridiculous and dangerous right off the bat, in the first fucking verse. Also, did you notice the ‘moon/June, love/of” juvenile rhymes? Oh, Ann – do you really heart money that bad (see what I did there?) that you’d sell out like this?

I didn’t ask him his name
this lonely boy in the rain
Fate tell me it’s right
is this love at first sight
Now, this all sounds romantic and everything, but when you hear what comes later, you realize how shocking this is, and what a bitch she is! (The girl in the song, not Ann Wilson. Ann redeems herself with Fever Dog later.) Furthermore, since when can an ostensibly homeless drunk dirty drifter be referred to as a “lonely boy”. Hello, welcome to Delusional Land – population YOU!

Please don’t make it wrong
just stay for the night
“Please don’t make it wrong”? How the fuck could it be wronger than this? Huh? Bitch!

All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will
You want me to
All I wanna do is make love to you
I’ve got loving arms to hold on to
Well of course he wants her to – he’s a dirty drunk homeless person! He’s like “SCORE!”, and besides, how’s she gonna find him afterward? He has no fixed address! And “loving arms to hold on to” – what the fuck does that mean? They’re screwing – I seriously doubt he’s holding on to her arms.

So we found this hotel
it was a place I knew well
Oh REALLY? So you take tons of guys back to this hotel? What a whore. Seriously.

We made magic that night. Oh
he did everything right
THIS GOES THERE! SQUIRT! He stuck that landing! Judges gave him a 10!

He brought the woman out of me
so many times
easily
Wait… I may have been too hasty. “Brought the woman out of me”? You’re not a woman? Excuse me, but I think I see what the problem is with you having kids. Unless…. you’re talking about an Alien situation? Gross! Or did you eat a woman, and he’s…. it’s all too gross to think about…. But it’s still pretty stupid.

And in the morning when he woke all I left him was a note
I told him ‘I am the flower you are the seed’
We walked in the garden we planted a tree
Holy fuck, I’ve never seen such a moronic understanding of basic biology in my life. Preschool children have a better… I mean, a seed and a flower makes a tree? That you plant? In the ground? And how is walking in a garden a metaphor for fucking? What does walking represent? Are you standing up? And what is the garden? Sounds like it’s time to get a new mattress to me. But wait – they’re in a hotel! That she’s been to many times before. Or “she”. So “she’s” immune to all the filth, I guess.

Don’t try to find me
please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory
you ‘ll always be there
Talk about your easy tasks – he was probably thinking about ditching her 5 seconds after he jizzed in the “garden”. Now he has a note telling him not to find her? What’s next – a note telling him to breathe and drink water?

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is make love to you
I’ve got loving arms to hold on to
One night of “love” – if you can call dirty sex on a grubby mattress in a seedy hotel with a filthy drunk homeless guy “love”, then ding ding ding, we have a winner.

Oh
oooh
we made love
Love like strangers
All night long
We made love
*We fucked.

Then it happened one day
we came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise when he saw his own eyes
IT’S ALIVE! He also saw his neck and feet! Mwa-ha-ha! How about her surprise, huh? She usually doesn’t have repeat business. But what about some bitch from a few months or years before having a kid would make him think it was his? What if his eyes were brown – that would make the chances of the baby having “his own eyes” about 70% or something, even if he hadn’t made sheet angels with the baby’s rotten whore of a mother.

I said ‘please
please understand
I’m in love with another man
And what he couldn’t give me
was the one little thing you can’
And there you have it. The huge whorecunt bullshit of the entire song. Her man couldn’t perform, or whatever, and so instead of all the things I listed above, she fucked another guy for his juice. And on top of that, she called creepy drunk homeless DUI guy ‘little’. It just adds to his problems, huh? Talk about adding insult to injury to jimmy-stealing. And she probably didn’t even tell the man she was supposedly in “love” with. She keeps using that word. I don’t think that word means what she thinks it means. Stupid whore.

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Come on
say you will
you want me too

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Say you will
you want me to
All we knew, until she wants another kid, right? Then she goes off again, maybe to a rest area or a truck stop this time? Who knows? The sky is the limit. The upper limit – there is no limit to how low this bitch will sink.

All night long
All night long

All night long
All night long
See? That’s so galling – if all she needed was sperm, why did she do it all night long? And what if the guy had previously taken care of himself somehow?

“All you’ll get from me is a vasectomy
You have my thanks
But I’m shooting blanks”

It’s absolutely unbelievable what people will sing about these days, but this has to be the most evil and twisted song that pretends to be a contemporary pop hit in the history of recorded music. Definitely a low point for Heart, and that includes Ann Wilson gaining 100 pounds.

No, I’m not posting the video! Bleh! Go find it yourself!

Edward Hotspur

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