It’s this day, a day of not knowing whether it will rain or not. This is bad because it’s hot, but then I remember my back tire is low. No, that isn’t a euphemism for ice fisting, silly! On my car. But I am running late for work, as I have been ever since I added staying up late to my exercise routine. It doesn’t burn as many calories as running late, but it’s not negligable!
Doesn’t the picture look like huge cloudy sky lips about to kiss the earth? Or spit on it? Apparently the sky is goth.
Anyway, back to what I was saying, which was… oh, wait, I was done with that. I skipped breakfast, planning on having one of those power bars, and got in the car, listening to one of those morning shows I listen to. Most of the way to work, I got off the highway and DROVE TO FLORIDA! I wish. No, I went to a gas station. Its name is hinted at in the title of this post, if you are paying attention. And if you are paying attention, you probably didn’t have to put air in your tires, because that s__shit costs $1.00 for 3 minutes! Of air! Phone sex or psychic friend hotlines are cheaper than that! According to people who have told me this who have called those things! Because I never have! And the actual filling of the tire took about 20 seconds. I was trapped! What was I going to use the other 2:40 of air on? I had nothing else to inflate or blow! Oh my lord, it was a tragedy! So what did I do? I just let the hose go. Just like that. And the compressor compressed for more time. I waited to see if any kids with swim rings or bikes, or a lady with a minivan and a flat tire pulled up, but no one did. And the seconds ticked away, slowly, slowly, down to zero, until
KABOOM!
Nothing happened. So I went into the store and got some coffee, and a lottery ticket. I had won the lottery, but managed to avoid all the publicity and fame by use of the crafty and clever maneuver of only winning $3. I walked out of there with $1! So I left with one more coffee than I came with, plus the new lottery ticket, and some air! What a country I live in. (America.) Even if I gave my money to some foreigners. (Mick Jones and Lou Gramm.) But then, I had a side note to think about:
Side note: People who push “nitrogen inflation” for tires are SNAKE OIL SALESMEN who have obviously not had THIRD GRADE SCIENCE. Assume that nitrogen inflation is inflating your tires with 99% nitrogen or higher. Now, assume you just took third grade science. You will notice that our atmosphere consists of roughly 21% oxygen and 78% nitrogen HOLY CRAP WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO PULL HERE? You’ve got to pay $3-$10 PER TIRE to fill them with 99% nitrogen, or, as I pointed out earlier, you can just pay $1 to fill up ALL your tires with 78% nitrogen! They must think we’re completely stupid! What’s next - selling water to us in bottles? I mean, COME ON!
Back on the road. I’m across from a Friday’s, which I haven’t been to in quite a while, and a Steak and Shake, which I haven’t been to in… ever, and a Red Lobster, which always makes me think of Steve Martin’s Oscar joke about Sean Connery’s outfit. That joke doesn’t just date me, it marries me and divorces me and takes half! And I drive all the way back to work, but I’m a little late. Not late late, but later than usual, because I started seeing this really cute slightly older doctor, who is a chiropractor you gutter-minded slatternly court jesters! So that took an amount of time equal to the time I requested off, right, so I got to work later than usual. What this means, and why you should care about it for the love of all that is good and holy, is that I was too late to get a parking spot along the tree line. That’s shady, baby! So I had to park in the sun, rather than parking in a spot that would be shady from about noon on, keeping my car cool and stuff. Suddenly, another side note came into view!
Side note: Why don’t they put solar panels over all the parking lots in America? It would not only generate a crapload of electricity, which is I believe the official unit of electricity – I’ll have to check my last electric bill – but it would also shade every single parking spot! Imagine! I already don’t give a crap about how far out I have to park, so if every spot was shady, I’d have it made in the… something….
Now let me BRING IT ON HOME! In the sun, since there ARE no solar panels, the car will get really hot. I can make it less hot by rolling down some of the windows about a half inch. BUT I don’t know if it’s going to rain! So my choices are 1) ensure dryness, but be really hot, or 2) ensure coolness, but take a chance on being wet inside the car. Yeah, not a fun choice. I chose to ensure dryness. If you guess that means I am not cool, you were certainly right! It’s going to be ovenesque in my vehicle! I bet that’s the first time you’ve ever see the word ‘ovenesque’! Or ‘Lovin’ Esque’”. Right? Yeah. Well, I am going now. You have no idea at what point in the day I drank an energy drink, but you’re probably betting it was recently!
Edward Hotspur
