Jonas Ark in: Depth of Feeling (Part 3 Fin)

Part One is here
Part Two is here
Part Three is below, silly

Jonas and Sam finally arrived at the bouncy house playground place, after stopping for caramel frappes because those things are really really good, and with loud dueling burps, they finally arrived at the bouncy house playground place, as I just previously said. Sam got off the bike moaning and complaining.

“My god, my ass is so sore.”
“From the bike ride?”
“No.  Anyway, do you think Granite is still here?”
“I think so. These kids don’t really bother him. Things like that just bounce right off him.”
“Okay, are you going to do this all day?”
“Do what?”
“Never mind. Lead the way.”
Jonas walked through the lobby and straight to Granite’s office. Granite was still inside trying to figure out how to turn off the lights. Or catch them.
“Hello? Mr. Countertop? We’ve got to tell you something! It’s very urgent!”
“Urgent?”
“Urgent!”
“Urgent?”
“Emergency! It’s about your package!”
“Are you a urologist? Because that burning sensation went away a few weeks ago.”
“No, the one I delivered to you yesterday, according to the passage of time indicated by the narrator earlier to establish continuity.”
“Oh, right, the one with the Zagnuts and Genuflectrol from SAP. Those things are so delicious. Oh yeah, what did you think of the one I gave you?”
“It was pretty good. I love peanut butter and coconut, and I love crunchy things, so when you put the two together, it’s AWE….some. Depending on what the crunchy things are. I mean, you can’t just put peanut butter and coconut on a cricket or a Pez dispenser and expect it to taste good, but I’m pretty sure Zagnut doesn’t do that.”
“No, they don’t, Jonas. They just have the two things, and no chocolate! Can you believe there’s no chocolate! It’s amazing. Also no nougat. But it’s still delicious.”
“Good enough to trap a fly for Beetlejuice!”
“I hear ya! High five!”

Just then, Sam noticed that she wasn’t part of this conversation, and indeed the conversation and the story had gotten far too Zagnut-centric, and that Granite knew Jonas’ name despite Jonas wearing a name tag that said “Scott”. In that order.
“Hey, Granite. Don’t you remember me? I’m Sam Abernathy-Piledriver. I’m the daughter of Shootapenguin.”
“Oh HEY! No, I don’t. Sorry. I’m pretty sure we’ve never met. You’re his daughter, huh? So you’re half puddle?”
“Sigh. Something like that.”
“Did you just say the word ‘sigh’?”
“Anyway, I more or less owe you my life, since you saved my dad, because… well, see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, or at least like each other enough to hang for about ten minutes, they….you know….”
“What! What!” Jonas and Granite were rapt in agogness as Sam erotickled their fancies.
“Nice turn of phrase.”
Thank you.
“As I was saying, when a man who is mostly a puddle and a woman who is half mermaid from two different dimensions love each other very much… Oh crap. I forgot what I was going to say.  Anyway, Granite, WIZ is after you for revenge, and they want to humiliate you.”
“They want to shoot you up with Genuflectrol and make you dance around in women’s underwear or something,” said Jonas, who had been waiting his turn to talk.
“And after I dance around in women’s underwear, THEN they’ll humiliate me?”
“But isn’t… won’t that be….” Granite looked at Jonas patiently. “Um… yes, then they’ll make you do something embarrassing. And probably totally kill you after that. So we have to get out of here! WIZ could be here right now!”
“Really? Maybe we should start slapping children until we find WIZ.”
“Granite! I’m shocked that you didn’t think of that sooner. But no, that won’t work because if we don’t find WIZ after a couple of slaps, they’ll be onto us. We have to escape!”
“Understood. I have a fast way out of.. oh, yeah, it’s Sam’s turn to talk. Go ahead, Sam.”
“Do you have a fast way out of here?”
“Nods.”
“Did you just say “nods”?
“No time for that! Follow me!” Granite began jumping up and down on a certain spot on the inflatable floor of the house. Suddenly, nothing happened!

A few seconds later, a springy thing flung the three of them through the roof of Reboundz, just as a murder of kids began to notice them.
“Hey, uh… Granite?”
“Yes, Sam?”
“We’re, like, half a mile up in the air, right?”
“Yes.”
“We’ll eventually have to come down….”
“I’m not following.”
“…and land on the ground….”
“Yes. But don’t worry! We won’t be anywhere near the bouncy house with its vast quantity of huge cushiony inflatable airbags! We’ll be over the street several blocks away, where WIZ won’t be able to…oh, I get what you’re saying! Crap.”
“Sam! Give him one of the rings!”
“Yes! Granite, put this on. We can land in a chalk drawing!”
“That’s brilliant! Wait… what?”

“Quick! Take this ring and put it on! Yeah! Now smile! Say cheese!”
“How can you take pictures at a time like this?”
“With my camera phone, silly. Now angle over towards that chalk drawing. Open your jacket and glide, or something.”
“You mean that one of a chasm?”
“Yeah, the one…CHASM?”
“Sam, uh, is there a cushion at the bottom of that chasm?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never seen it. I’ve just hung from the cliff.”
“If I should stumble, catch my fall. Yeah.”
“Catch me, I’m falling. Doot doot doot doot doot doot dootly doot.”
“Cause I’m freeeeeeeeee – freeee falllllllliiiiiiiiiinnnnn’!”
“Oh, good one.”
“Yes. I think you win the ‘Oh Crap We’re Gonna Die Singathon With Falling-Based Lyrics’ contest.”
“Is it Thursday already?”
“Yes it is. Wait, what day did this story start?”
“I’m not sure. Let’s just say it’s Thursday now. Then all the other days will fall into place, sort of like how we’re falling into this cha-”

The three contestants suddenly stopped. They were caught in a sticky mesh, a spiderweb or something, halfway up the chasm. Well, I say halfway, but I’ve never seen the bottom, so it might be some other portion of the way down, but they’re in the chasm, not at the bottom or top, and… you get the idea. Suddenly, a huge spider appeared at one edge, clicking its things that it uses to eat with, what are they called… fork and knife, and looking at the three hungrily.
“Don’t look now, but there’s a huge spider looking at us hungrily.”
“How can you tell it’s hungry?”
“Aside from what the narrator just said, it also has a napkin tucked into its collar.”
“Oh yes. Wait, I think I recognize this spider.”
“How can you possibly recognize a random spider?”
“The same way I can recognize who is speaking right now without any indication to the reader. Uh, Jonas.”
“Yes, Granite?”
“Sam said she saw a spider. It sat down beside her. Do you know who it is?”
“Hey, I think I do. Look, huge spider, we’re not the ones you’re looking for. I mean yes, there are three of us, and yes, we’re fussing about quite a lot over a ring, and yes, we’re evading an evil wizard, and yes, one of us is named Sam -”
“And yes, one of us has extremely hairy feet-”
“HEY! Okay, yeah, one of us has extremely hairy feet, but she’ll trim that up later – anyway, despite all those amazing coincidences, we are not the people you are looking for. We’re pretty tall, for one thing. Also, we have three rings, not just one.”

The spider considered this for a moment, and then skittered away, unless it chittered away. I always get those two confused. The three walked along the web to the chasm wall opposite the spider’s lair until they happened upon a cave. It was a dark and damp cave, dripping with slime and mold, with stalactites and stalagmites everywhere.
“Hey, which one is which?”
“Stalactites come from the ceiling, because they have a ‘c’ in the name, and stalagmites come from the ground because they have a ‘g’ in them.”
“I come from Dayton, but I don’t have a ‘d’ anywhere in my name.”
“Um… it…. uh… doesn’t work with people?”
“Oh, yeah, right, of course, sure.”
They stepped around pools filled with translucent glowing creatures – well, filled with water, and the creatures were IN the water – and resigned themselves to being forced to stay in this slimy cave with no way up or down, and nothing to eat except see-through glowfish sushi. Not to mention the options for potty breaks were pretty limited. Granite and Sam sat on a fallen stalactite, unless it was a stalagmite, while Jonas explored near the back of the cave. Suddenly, – no, wait. False alarm.
“I just saw a rainbow!”
After several minutes with few ideas, Jonas discovered something.
“Hey, guys! You’ve got to see this!”
Sam and Granite walked over and looked where Jonas was pointing. Through an airplane hangar door-sized opening in the back of the cave, they saw two red double doors. Next to the doors was a sign that said “Safety Tunnel”. In glowing neon.
“Pretty neat, huh? I can’t believe we missed this. Let’s go!”
“Wait! What if it’s a trap?”
“Trap for who? Who would come here? I mean, besides, it’s either this or navigate by glow-in-the-dark poop in 8 to 12 hours.”
“Let’s go!”
Granite (let’s say) opened the doors to a glorious sight, one that made him question his state of deadness, because this was surely heaven. A wall of vending machines lined one side of the room, and every single selection was Zagnut.
“Granite! Look at that! Hundreds of bags of Skittles!”
“No, they’re Zagnuts!”
“You’re both wrong. They’re Bleens”
“Bleens? What the hell is a Bleen?”
“It’s the most popular candy ever in my dimension! It’s peanut butter and coconut over different flavored citrus candy pellets.”
“Ewww.”
“Gross!”
“You guys need to get out more.”
“Sam, please. Not only is that gross, but we are obviously seeing what we want to see. I’m not sure this is real. I think we should stay away from – Granite! What are you doing!”
“They’re only 50 cents! That’s unheard of anymore!”
“Granite! It’s a trick. Don’t eat that. It could be poisonous, or watermelon-flavored!”
“Fine. I won’t eat it. But if I find out these were real, I’m going to show you one of my fingers!”
“Deal. The question is, who put these here, and why?”

Suddenly, there was a puff of smoke, and WIZ appeared!
“So you didn’t eat the Genuflec- er, I mean, Zagnut bars, Granite? Are you sure? They’re very peanut buttery, and very coconutty…. you know you want one….. there’s just a thin piece of paper between you and sweet, sweet yummy goodness! Do it! Eat it! Yummy!”
Granite couldn’t take it anymore, and he tore the wrapper off a Zagnut replica laced with Genuflectrol-
“Hey!”
Well, that’s what it is! Anyway, he shoved a bite into his mouth, and then stared at WIZ. He smiled, and nibbled on the bar some more. He ate a couple more bites. Eventually the Zagnut was gone, all eated up like a big boy! Yes he is! Yes he is! WIZ stared at Granite expectantly, like they had expectations of expecting something to happen with expectation. After a few seconds, Granite got to his knees and began to praise WIZ. WIZ cackled at this.

“I have you where I want you! Revenge is mine! And it tastes so sweet! Though admittedly, not as sweet as a Zagnut bar. Wow, these things are pretty good. Maybe I should just… NO! They’re all spiked. Don’t do it! Okay, anyway, bow before me! Oh, wait… hello, I didn’t see you other two. What are you doing here? That’s what I get for being all hyperfocused on Granite! Silly….. hi there.”
“Hello.”
“Hello, evil wizard person.”
“Nice weather we’re hav- NOW!”
Sam looked at Jonas like ‘now WHAT?’, and he was all like, do something, and she was all like, such as?, and he was all, something to get us out of here with Granite, away from the izardway evilvay, and she was all like, I think you’re doing Pig Latin wrong, and he was like, really? Because it sounded right to me, and she was all, no, it’s wrong, but I get your point, and I might have an idea or something, and he was like, I think I have an idea too.
“We have an” “We have a way” “You first” “You first” “Jinx!” “Crap, all the vending machines are poisonous illusions, so I’ll get you a Coke later, mmmkay? Go ahead.”
“Okay. Thanks, Sam. Here it is, WIZ. I’ve noticed something about you, about this situation, and about this story. You can change shape, right? Into pretty much anything?”
“Yeah, so?”
“So why would you have to sneak around and follow us? Why sneak around at all? Why bother to set us up the bomb, when you could just change into, I don’t know, my mother, or Granite’s mother. Or you could just have turned into some random person and pretended to be a client interested in hiring Granite, and offer to pay him with Zagnuts, and give him one right then? I mean, you know? Come on? You know what this is?”
“Um… no… wait! No! Don’t!”
“It’s a….
“No! Don’t say it!”
“PLOT HOLE! It’s a plot hole big enough to drive a large hungry spider through! Anyone can see that!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, yeah, it sort of is.”

Suddenly, a large swirling vortex appeared in the air between Granite and WIZ – the plot hole! Would it be enough to allow the three to escape?
“No, but there’s this other thing. Earlier, Granite called Jonas by name, even though there’s no way he could have known it! He’s even wearing a name tag that says “Scott” – and that’s a cool voice, by the way. Does the nametag say anything else? Can you download other names for it to say? That’s really neat – Anyway, you know what that is?”
“OH SHUT THE FRONT DOOR THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING WHY ME THIS GUY’S LUCK IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!!”
“That’s right, ANOTHER plot hole. And Jonas, what happens when you have two plot holes?”
“Hello, only person in the room who doesn’t have loads of experience in other dimensions.”
“Oh. Right. Um, Granite? Do you know?” Granite was bowing and flexing and kneeling.
“That’s right, they form a PLOT TUNNEL! Grab Granite and let’s go!”

Jonas grabbed Granite, and the three of them jumped into the plot hole, went down the plot tunnel, and exited in the bouncy house office space! Fortunately, the travel through the tunnel was enough to snap Granite out of his sycophantic obsequiousness – that, and the fact that he emerged from the tunnel and fell face-down in a puddle of piss left by one of the kids. They were free! Or were they?
“You thought you could get away from me, didn’t you? Jonas, you have first response, and then you, Sam. No shouting at the same time. That gives me a headache.”
“WIZ! Actually, yeah, we kind of did. We totally expected to go through that, and then have it close at this end, trapping you in that dimension so you would leave us alone, frustrated and angry.”
“Wow, that would have sucked.”
“By the way, what are you? I mean, in terms of gend-”
“But no! I foiled your plans by simply walking through the same plot hole that you walked through! And now, I will finally get my….what the hell am I sitting on? Is this… OH GOD, IS THIS PEE? That’s disgusting. How can a detective as clever and famous as Granite consistently let all these things happen? And what’s the deal with all the offices, anyway? I mean, underwater? Middle of the jungle? Why move around so much?”
“It gets expensive! I look for great deals. I pride myself on my frugality and my ingenuity and crap like that.”
“Ah. I see. Anywho, now for the most important part of my plan! Granite, you might not be worshipping me anymore, but you will never leave this place! Well, not this place. This place you’ll leave. I meant metaphorically, when I take you to my lair. That’s the place you’ll never leave! No leaving will occur, once we have arrived at that place! And then, the world will be dazzled by a new detective. ME!”
“You? You’re opening a detective agency?”
“No, you fool! While you’re busy not leaving and stuff, I’ll transform into the great Granite Countertop and take your place! Except I’ll do all sorts of embarrassing and humiliating things, and make you the laughingstock of the detective world! I will finally have my revenge! You will be taking a Shame Car down Shame Avenue to Shameville – population YOU! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wait…. Why does that kind of sound mean? No matter! I’ll rub your nose in it!”
“Yeah, my nose was already in it, which is how I recovered from-”
“Hey, Jonas! Did you notice anything about WIZ?”
“WIZ deftly avoided all attempts on my part to force an answer on the gender question?”
“NO! Well, yes, but… look again! What do you notice?”
“Some…. puddles of pee?”
“About WIZ, you tool!”
“OH. Right. I’m looking, I’m looking…. say, the bootie is looking a little nice, though I want to make it clear I’m saying that with an asterisk in case it turns out to be a dude. Kind of curvy. Could it be…. WIZ is a woman! A female human…oid?”
“Exactly!”
“WHAT? I am not. I’m an indeterminate… Hey, I like those earrings!”
“Thanks. They match my fedora.”
“You wouldn’t know, WIZ – you normally travel by magic. But I knew. And you walked right into it.”
“Knew what? Walked right into what? What? What?”
“A little-known fact about interdimensional travel is that when someone walks into their own plot hole, it resolves itself. Permanently. WIZ – you are now and forever a woman!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!”
WIZ tried to shapeshift, but couldn’t do it. It was true. Good call, Sam!
“Thanks. You are stuck like that, WIZ! Get used to it.”
“I know I’m getting used to it…”
“HEY! Jonas, you’re supposed to be MY love interest.”
“Oh, right. Sorry, Sam. Kisses?”
“Later, sweetie.”
“I’m defeated! I’m humiliated! I can’t get my revenge! But at the same time, I feel fabulous! Have you tried this? It’s pretty cool. Who knew being one gender all the time could be so great?”
“Uh… that would be everyone.”
“Oh. Right. But how can I make Granite do what I want now? How can I make that strong, handsome, attractive man do my bidding now? He’s so clever and… those cheeks…. that hair….. chiseled features….. how?”
“Blush.”
“Granite, did you just say ‘blush’?”
“I think I see how, WIZ. First of all, can we get rid of that name? It’s pretty stupid.”
“Your name is Samandralinaskaringhamfordwaketorinaldehyde Abernathy-Piledriver.”
“Good point. Touche. But I meant, it has no character. It’s like being called Cook, or Baker, or-”
“Fudgepacker?”
“Um, no, Jonas. But you get what I’m saying? How about a female name, now that you’re completely female?”
“Okay, you’re right! How about…. Liz?”
“Sigh. Fine. Liz it is. As long as it’s short for Elizabeth.”
“Deal! Did you just say ‘sigh’?”
“Okay, look at Granite right now. See how he’s staring at you? In fact, see how he’s staring at you obliviously even though you and I are both totally talking about him right in front of him?”
“Say, you’re right! He is.”
“And you said he was handsome and attractive and junk.”
“He is! He’s so cute!”
“Well…. isn’t it obvious?”
“You like each other!”
“DAD! Hi. What are you doing here?”
“I am just making an appearance at the end, because that’s what happens during happy endings. You know, like the end of Return of the Jedi, only I didn’t previously slaughter a bunch of children mercilessly.”
“Glad you could make it, SAP! I’m a full-blooded woman now! And be careful of that puddle. Don’t mix your puddles! Ha ha! Hi, Granite. What’s up?”
“Wow! Sickening!”
“I know, but she’s right. If you mixed with that puddle of pee, ewww, that would be-”
“No, I mean how WIZ-”
“Liz.”
“Liz? How Liz is all up in Granite’s grill and shiznit. Neither of them are on Genuflectrol, are they?”
“Nope.”
“Fabulous. Well, I’m outta here. Jonas? I’ve been watching you, and I’ll keep watching you, but for now, you have my permission to date my daughter. Make sure you wear a jimmy hat! Gotta keep it safe.”
“My god, sir! I’m… I can’t believe you’d be talking about your own daughter’s… I mean…”
“Jonas, a jimmy hat is a dimension dampener. It focuses your potential selections to pre-vetted dimensions known to be good and safe.”
“You don’t say. Well, thanks for the advice, sir!”
“Also, wear a condom.”
“GAH!”
“Dad!”
“We’re leaving too. Right honey?”
“Right, Liz. Let’s go to Paris. I love the Longhorns!”
“Granite – he’s an idiot, but he’s my gorgeous hunky idiot. Can you get my purse? Thanks. Wait, how do I have a purse? Oh well. Can you get it?”
“Sure thing, honeybritches.”
Granite and Liz jetted off to Texas. Just like that. Using actual jets.
“You know, it’s funny.”
“My hair got wet! I can’t help it if-”
“No, I mean Liz tried all this time to humiliate Granite and get him to do what she wants, and now that she’s a woman and they’re in love, well, he’s acting like an idiot and he’s carrying her purse. She got what she wanted after all!”
“Not only that, but even though she can’t change physically, she can change her personality, temperament and mind every five goddamn minu-”
“Shut up and kiss me.”
“MMM mmm mmmmmm mmmm.”
“Right.”
“I can think of something to do in this bouncy house that’s really fun. Know what I’m saying?”
“Jonas!”
“Come on, you know you’ve been thinking about it. And you know you want to do it with me. Admit it.”
“Normally I don’t do this sort of thing, but… Okay. Let’s do it.”
Jonas sensuously moved down Sam’s neck and spun around, while she did the same. Their heads were near each other’s feet as they removed the offending clothing, getting it out of the way of their activities, making room for the one act on both their minds that would bring them the ultimate pleasure over and over, for hours….
“Look how high I can bounce!”
“It’s amazing! These houses are extra springy today!”
“This is fun! I could truly do this all day, except for bathroom breaks and snacks!”
“Me too! Why are we yelling! It’s well after closing time and we’re the only ones here! So we can just talk!”
“I know! Is the joke over yet? Do you think the readers get that we’re not having sex, we’re just bouncing around the place like kids?”
“I think they do.”

Suddenly, they realized that the plot had resolved itself, and the story was basically over. They ate pizza behind the counter, got free sodas, played some skee ball, and fell asleep in the ball pit, until the next morning, when they were chased out by gnomes and Joy Behar. The end had finally arrived!

THE END (Well, this end. There’s another end of the story, but you’ve probably already seen it. You started there, most likely.)

Edward Hotspur

Epilogue

“You know, Jonas, Liz was kind of cute. I could have gone for some of that.”
“You really would have gone for-”
“Every time!”
“DAMMIT!”

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