It’s that time of year. The time when all the stores put up their Christmas decorations – in the parts of the store they didn’t put them up in before Halloween – and the radio stations start playing the music we all love to hear, which is prog.
No, seriously, it’s Christmas music! Of course, Charlie Brown Christmas is the best collection of Christmas music of all time. However, after listening to a few of the other songs, I’m really starting to wonder what some of these people were thinking. I’m looking at you, Irving Berlin!
So what I’m going to do is just basically state what the song appeared to be about, without any titles, or “labels”, to get in the way of your total and complete enjoyment of these fine holiday classics, or “Christmas songs” for those of you who are hypersensitive to any perception of a military action being waged against the 25th of December. Here goes:
Anthropomorphic metaphoric animals bully another animal for his differences until an old man comes along and uses him for his abilities, not his personality or worth, and even then only one night a year. Supposedly this results in the complete cessation of all bullying of said animal.
Man plies woman with alcohol while continuously mentioning the weather in an effort to get her to sleep with him. He practically begs her.
A hat made of worm spew causes snow to dance. Then, the snow runs away, threatening to come back.
A certain day marks the start of when difficulties will somehow remain unseen. This will happen extremely soon, I guess.
Become ‘festive’. Regardless of the presence of snow, drink an alcoholic beverage and talk to everyone in the street. Later, kiss someone waiting under some kind of plant, no matter what your gender. And then maintain that ‘festivity’.
I will be home for Christmas, unless I’m dreaming it, which I might be because presents are on the tree rather than under them.
We’ll get rid of a bird but we’ll get a new one. Then we’ll pretend some snow is a dude, and lie about our marital status to it, For some reason, we’ll build another one right next to that one. Later, when we lie by a fire, we’ll have Eskimo sex. Sexkimo.
My true love gave me a crapload of birds, some rings, and a ton of people making all sorts of musical racket even though slavery is illegal and I have no room for them. My true love has absolutely no idea what I want. None whatsoever. I’ll have to get, like, 19 Sunday papers just for the birds. At least there’s milk. And I’m lactose intolerant.
Someone really, REEEALLY likes the Christmas tree.
An absolutely huge amount of commercialism is taking place, not to mention a ton of annoying ringing bells.
People are dancing around the tree trying to kiss one another. They get sentimental when they hear a different song, but not this one, apparently.
This is a good time of year, and people are generally happy, but some people must be confused because they’re telling ghost stories. Idiots. On top of that, they’re acting like previous Christmases were better than now, even though there were like 4 channels and no internet.
Someone tries for some nookie, but this time they don’t use alcohol and begging. Instead, they use the promise of popcorn! They still talk about the weather a lot, though.
Displays are out, so it’s shopping time – but someone is woefully misinformed on what kinds of toys kids want today.
Someone really, REEEALLY likes bells.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Considering I was sitting on his lap at the mall just this afternoon, that is more than a little disturbing.
Someone dreams of a white Christmas, which hopefully is referring to the snow and not the era.
Apparently, I’m outside your house freezing my ass off without you. Hypothermia is coming on. My lips are changing colors. That is some devotion right there.
Put up some decorations and some nice clothes while I try to think of some lyrics to go in these empty lines where I just say blah blah blah or something.
Despite being a Beatle, Paul isn’t getting you anything. Just being here is enough, apparently, to qualify as ‘wonderful’.
Chestnuts are roasting on a fire for some reason, but no one knows what it is. Unless this is a Mongolian barbecue.
Santa, I am one huge materialistic bitch.
I hope I have captured the very essence of these songs, and that you enjoyed them as much as I did. Meaning with a healthy dose of Christmas spirit, by which I mean booze. Enjoy the holiday season, and have yourself a merry little Christmas time, or something.
- The Christmas song I hate the most (julieunfiltered.wordpress.com)
- It Snowed In Arizona! (grumpyelder.com)
- The Five Worst Christmas Songs (garyholmes76.wordpress.com)
- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus…. Doesn’t That Make Your Mom A Whore? (narbreport.wordpress.com)
- December Playlist…..CHRISTMAS MUSIC (themusicbard.wordpress.com)
- 5 Christmas songs you need to hear to get you in the spirit (rare.us)
- Deck the Halls Everyone! (comm663.wordpress.com)
- Christmas Time (cdstroup.wordpress.com)